Written by Catie Wilkins


When I’m in charge

Because the people with all the power seem to have fucked-up priorities, we’re asking our writers what five laws they’d enact if they ran the country (or indeed world). Under Catie Wilkins’ rule this means good news for nurses.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

1. Salaries will be decided by how helpful the job is to the rest of society. The more useful, the bigger the pay cheque.

Nurses, teachers, doctors etc will be among the most lucrative professions, and bankers, hedge fund managers etc, among the least. (Thus trainee nurses living off food banks because their bursaries have been cut will be a thing of the past – seriously, how has that been allowed to happen?)

2. Therefore: politicians will be paid a lot more, but they will only be allowed to have one job, and they will be subject to the same rigorous code of ethics as doctors. Making promises in campaigns that don’t get followed through on can result in prison sentences.

3. Anyone privately educated who wants to become a politician will have to spend a year working as a waiter first, unless they have already had a public service type of job that has shown them what life is like for many different sections of the population, such as Rosena Allin-Khan being an A&E doctor before she became an MP.

4. The Sun and The Daily Mail will be dismantled.

5. Adverts and TV will contain normal looking people, with proportional representation of size, ethnicity, gender etc.

Find out how our other writers would put the world to rights here.


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Written by Catie Wilkins

Catie Wilkins is a writer, comedian and children’s author who likes jokes and stories.