No-one knows what the year ahead holds for any of us (well maybe Linda Cockshott) but that’s not stopping Hannah Dunleavy having a good old-fashioned guess.
Illustration by Louise Boulter
1: There will be a royal baby. It will be born when it’s born, but that won’t stop the Daily Mail starting a campaign for it to be born on the Queen’s actual birthday (April 21). As soon as the first twinges of labour start, the entire world’s media will decamp to the street outside the hospital to bring us incisive speculation on important issues such as its name, weight and the exact shade of black of its first shit. Some of this will, inevitably, end up on a souvenir mug.
2: Benedict Cumberbatch will overtake Michael Sheen as the actor who has played more real people than anyone else. To celebrate, he will play the lead in a film of the life of Michael Sheen. The role of Benedict Cumberbatch will be played by Eddie Redmayne and the role of Eddie Redmayne will be taken by Andy Serkis in a motion capture suit.
3: As the General Election approaches, the BBC will up the number of appearances Nigel Farage makes on its shows to one in every three. After a stint presenting The One Show, Cash In The Attic and Don’t Tell The Bride, Farage will make special appearances as a smoking pint-swiller in EastEnders and a visiting nun in Call The Midwife. His stint on Top Gear will be marked by a poor performance in ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car’ (probably due to immigrants on the track) and several reported sightings of the hellgate opening.
4: Meanwhile in the US, the prominence of a former president’s wife and a former president’s son/brother in the fight for the Democratic and Republican nominations will encourage other people with links to former incumbents to come forward. Hillary Clinton will eventually be edged out by the bastard lovechild of a great, great grandchild of Franklin D Roosevelt and a lesser Kennedy, while Jeb Bush will be beaten by Richard Nixon’s former hairdresser holding a photograph of Ronald Reagan in a nice frame.
5: The Rugby World Cup will be held in England, causing a temporary, curling-style upsurge in interest in the sport. At some point during all this, someone at the RFU, the official governing body for Rugby Union in England, will notice that no one’s updated the information for the women’s team on its website since mid-2014. (It’s not like they’ve won a fucking World Cup since then.)
6: Facebook will stop working for a morning, causing everyone to run to Twitter to complain about it. The knock-on effect will see all social media collapse for several hours. As a result, many people will be unaware of what their friends had for dinner or what member of the 1966 World Cup Squad they have similar elbows to. The stock market will crash.
7: There will be weather. Some of it will be hot. Some of it will be cold. All of it will be reported as if it were some sort of divine punishment. The sort of people who skive work will take it as an excuse to have a day off, the sort of people who don’t, won’t. The Daily Express will finally use the headline Weather-geddon.
8: Sam Smith will win the Grammys (all of them) causing Kanye West to rush the stage and say, “Has anyone noticed that Stay is basically Tom Petty’s I Won’t Back Down with different lyrics.” Because even a stopped clock…
Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.