Written by Amanda Wilkie

Voices

There’s a hole in my Bucket List

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini’s bum tattoo got Amanda Wilkie thinking about what she really wants to achieve in her life.

toilet

All illustrations by Harriet Carmichael

Now, unless you mainly dwell in a cave with no access to television, magazines or the internet, I’d hazard a guess you’re aware of the rather spectacular derriere tattoo of Cheryl Fernandez-Versini formerly Cole, née Tweedy.

Cheryl, as she now just wants to be known, revealed on the Graham Norton Show that after recovering from malaria, her brush with death inspired her to create a Bucket List. Or, as she prefers to call it, a Fuck It List. Having a large tattoo was one of the first things she added to it.

Despite there being a 2007 film of the same name, starring Jack Nicholson and the nectar-tongued Morgan Freeman, it was only quite recently I really became aware of the term Bucket List.

For the three people left who are still unfamiliar with the meaning, a Bucket List is ‘a number of experiences or achievements a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime’. (Thanks, Oxford English Dictionary.)

The way I see it, a Bucket List is basically an extreme version of a to-do list. I love lists. They’re a massive part of my life. I even make lists of things I need to make lists for.

So, inspired by Cheryl, I’ve created my own Bucket List. Though, as my mum would kill me if she saw my bottom on the internet, I went for a slightly more tongue-in-cheek rather than bum-cheek approach.

1. Plug a USB stick into a port the right way on the first attempt.
2. Drive under a bridge without ducking.
3. Make the correct amount of rice for one meal.
4. Discover my superpower (currently this is the ability to be the only person in my house capable of replacing a toilet roll)
5. Poke Piers Morgan in the face.
6. Eat a banana in public without feeling at all self-conscious
7. Go to the toilet in peace. (If Greta Garbo had been a mother then I’m certain her famous quote would have actually been ‘I want to pee alone’)
8. Get drunk with Olivia Colman.
9. Invent hangover free wine and/or calorie free chocolate.
10. Win Masterchef.
11. Become a celebrity.
12. Win Celebrity Masterchef.
13. Learn to play the spoons.

otter

14. Train an otter to juggle oranges.
15. Have a penis for a day to see just what the fuss is all about. (Still can’t believe Beyoncé didn’t mention having a stand up wee or a wank in If I Were A Boy)
16. Hug a penguin.
17. Recoup the 86.9 hours I lost watching Lost.
18. Get proposed to by a huge flash mob. Say no.
19. Be able to once again walk for longer than 2.3 minutes in high heels without my feet screaming as if I’ve incarcerated them in a medieval torture device.
20. Finish my Bucket Li

I’m fully aware that most of this is far too ambitious. I suspect anyone who does successfully plug a USB stick in the right way first time immediately gets a visit from an owl with an invitation to enrol at Hogwarts. But it’s always good to have things to strive towards.

So, if you’re ever at the zoo and see a woman in her late 30s grinning broadly while being escorted from the penguin enclosure, give her a wave, it might just be me. Anyway, rice anyone? I seem to have rather a lot left over.

918 Views
Share:
  • googleplus
  • linkedin
  • rss
  • pinterest

Written by Amanda Wilkie

Mum of two. Wife of one. Lover of wine. Head full of random wit and nonsense.