Written by Sarah Millican

Voices

Sarah Millican’s happy place.

Sarah Millican reveals what puts a smile on her face – and what gets her goat. Turns out her goat’s hard to get, but she loves a good tut.

Sarah Happy 2
Sarah Angry 2

Beaming

 

1. Unlikely animal friendships. You know, like a lion and a dog. How did they meet? Why hasn’t one eaten the other? I had hamsters when I was a kid and they couldn’t even bear to be in the same Rotastak house and that had five rooms. I’ve lived in flats with fewer rooms than that. If they did run into each other, in less than a minute it would be a ball of grabby hamster. The lion and the dog get on because they’re FRIENDS. And that makes me cry.

2. Gardening. Sitting in the garden is great and everything but are my nails clean? Then I could be happier. I carried fruit I’d picked from my plot in my skirt the other day and waddled into the house looking like something off The Little House on the Prairie. I have a special old toothbrush just for cleaning my nails. That’s how regular it is.

3. Finding the cats in a different place. Fewer things make me happier than finding the cats in a new sleep spot. Be that wrapped in a curtain like The Sound Of Music, in one of the many beds they had previously snubbed or even just on a new part of the sofa. When Ripley first slept in a bed made for cats, I watched her for ages, saying, “Look!” in an otherwise empty house.

4. When the kettle has just boiled. I used to have an old whistley kettle, which was ace apart from when you wanted to boil it or it was boiling. The process took so long that you had to plan to want a cup of tea in 20 minutes. Then when the whistle went, I’d run across the kitchen often shouting, “I’m coming!!” like an annoyed teenager. Now I have a normal plug-in kettle and a husband keen on tea. It’s always at least warm.

5. Toilets in restaurants where the door goes to the floor. Once while on holiday in America, I stood in the queue in the ladies and made up stories about all of the legs I could see. Now I can’t wee with a too high door.

Tutting

1. My own lateness. I am almost always a little bit late. And I hate how stressed I get. But not enough to start being on time, clearly. On top of that, I really fucking hate when I get there and the person I’m meeting is even later. The cheek!

2. Not being able to find anything. I don’t consider myself an untidy person, I just haven’t got round to finding a place for everything yet. My husband is the same, thankfully. We high fived each other the other day when the spirit level was in the tool box. A genuine shock that it was where it belongs.

3. I still can’t really shave my legs properly. I’ve been shaving my legs since I was 15 or 16, having ignored my dad’s advice to let it grow in all soft like his. I always cut my toes (don’t ask) and shins and end up with little dots of loo roll on them like a dick. I recently found a patch behind my knee that I’d missed. Missed for years. Like a cordoned off bit of park left to nature.

4. When I can’t understand the different mews my cats do. They tell me that as a parent (shut up), I should be able to tell what the different cries (mews) mean when my babies (cats) are vocal. I’ve nailed these ones I think:

Are you awake? (Increasingly louder til I am)

Are you awake? Because I am hungry.

Where is everyone? It is dark and I’m not keen.

Will you tickle my belly for five seconds, please? Any longer and I will bite you.

5. The bathroom is not a wet room. When my husband has finished in the bathroom, I go in to powder my shit and the floor is like a leisure centre changing room: all wet and pants. The sinks are swimming. He says it is just water; it will just evaporate. He is right, but still. TUT.

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Written by Sarah Millican

Sarah Millican is a comedian, writer, reformed workaholic, feminist, cat and dog mam, wife and lover of food.