Written by Various Artists


QOTM: Who would play you in the movie of your life?

Hollywood actors need something to do during the summer ‘lull’ so we thought we’d give them some roles to try out for.

Gary Oldman illustration by Louise Boulter.

Gary Oldman illustration by Louise Boulter.

Vix Leyton
Drew Barrymore. We have a fleeting resemblance, which according to my mother, was very strong when I was a child, to the point that relatives would ring up about it if there was a made-for-TV Drew movie on at any point (she may have exaggerated this, it probably happened once).

I also spent my awkward teenage years looking brutally similar to Josie Grossie in Never Been Kissed, before I hopefully, although not quite so glamorously, grew into my face/worked out crimping wasn’t really for me.

Catie Wilkins
Drunk men hoping for sex have told me I look like Scarlett Johansson. I see no reason to disbelieve them.

Sarah Ledger
If Nick Hornby can have Colin Firth playing him then I can have Catherine Zeta Jones as me.

Rose Biggin
Cate Blanchett is the person I get told I look like the most and for the record, I would also be happy to play her in the film of her life, whichever happens first.

Jane Hill
Emma Thompson but before she got all glam. When she was still brunette and wry, I got told a lot that I looked like her. However I was once at the same do as Haydn Gwynne and if it weren’t for the fact she’s about six inches taller than me, the likeness was uncanny. So she would be a good choice now that Emma’s a bit too glam.

Liz Buckley
Could I be played by me? I could do with the money.

Fiona Longmuir
Shameless flatterers occasionally tell me I look like Rebecca Hall, who I adore. Given her sterling performance in Starter for 10, she can totally do angry feminist, so I’m down with that.

Daisy Leverington
Someone once told me I look like a fat Paula Radcliffe, so if she’s up for a spot of acting and snacking, then her.

“My actual life story would be incredibly dull, so I would reboot it as a surreal action adventure with lots of set piece fights and explosions for no reason.”

Sooz Kempner
I would like to be played by Guy Goma, the man who showed up at the BBC for a job interview and they accidentally put him on air as a music downloads expert and he 100 per cent went with it. He would play me brilliantly because he is ready for anything. I also think he should play Bond.

Taylor Glenn
I used to get told I looked like Mary Louise Parker. Not now though. Maybe she has an older, slightly-out-of-shape sister who’s been yearning for some more acting work.

Angela Barnes
Kathy Burke. She’s the only actress I’ve ever been told I’m like. And, mostly because I want to be her. When I had long black hair, I also got called ‘Fat Lily Allen’, so there’s another option.

Sarah Millican
I’ve been told I look like Mrs Doubtfire and Tootsie so essentially hairy men dressed as women. I would like to go with ET when dressed as a lady. That’s what I feel like when I have to get DRESSED UP. So can he play me please? Or anyone in glasses as we all look the same, clearly.

Sophie Scott
Margo Martindale, because she is awesome and because she would give me the pleasingly sinister air that I have IN MY MIND.

Joanne Lau
Gary Oldman. It’s the ongoing joke with my friends that I have Gary Oldman Blindness because I can never recognise him in films. Watching any other actor play me would feel fraudulent but with Gary Oldman, I’d probably be halfway through and go, “THAT’S Gary Oldman?! NO WAY!”

Sarah Hendrickx
I’ve only ever been told I look like Barry Manilow, Eric Bristow or a cow. I think all three are still alive so take your pick as to who’d do it for the lowest fee. Probably Eric.

Annabel Giles
Annabel Croft.

Hannah Dunleavy
Daniel Day-Lewis. He’s method, so I reckon I could sell him the idea that doing all those shit jobs I hate doing for six months was actually ‘getting under the skin of the character’.

Claire Goodwin
John Candy. I’m like a big mouse.

Rachel Fairburn
Joe Pesci. He’s small and really good at being angry.

“I would like to go with ET when dressed as a lady. That’s what I feel like when I have to get DRESSED UP.”

Kiri Pritchard-McLean
I know there’s an age problem here but Jessica Lange. She could bring a touch of class to me urinating outside after nights out drinking and dying on my arse in provincial towns while learning how to be funny.

Hannah Dolan
Jessica Williams from The Daily Show please. Because she’s Jessica Williams. And also, if my husband gets to play the part of himself then he’ll be very happy. Aaaah fuck… No, that’s a bad idea.

Tina Fey then. Yes, Tina Fey.

Camilla King
Miriam Margoyles: she’s hilariously salty, doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of her and is as mad as a fish in a tree. If I get to a point in my life where that’s what people say about me I’ll be chuffed to bits and it’ll be an easy acting job for Miriam.

Gabby Hutchinson Crouch
My actual life story would be incredibly dull, so I would reboot it as a surreal action adventure with lots of set piece fights and explosions for no reason. I would be played by Michelle Gomez. She looks nothing like me and has a completely different accent; I just think she’s great.

Dotty Winters
I’d be played by Upsy Daisy from In the Night Garden. The similarities are clear: Cheerful, rocks a frock, prone to flashing some knickers to get attention…

Debra-Jane Appelby
My daughter, Stephanie Amy Hindle. She is an actress and the bloody spitting image of young, skinny me. She’d have to do mo’ cap and CGI for the current age Jabba the Hutt version though.

Alice Sanders
The kid who plays Draco Malfoy.

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.