Hollywood actors need something to do during the summer ‘lull’ so we thought we’d give them some roles to try out for.
Drew Barrymore. We have a fleeting resemblance, which according to my mother, was very strong when I was a child, to the point that relatives would ring up about it if there was a made-for-TV Drew movie on at any point (she may have exaggerated this, it probably happened once).
I also spent my awkward teenage years looking brutally similar to Josie Grossie in Never Been Kissed, before I hopefully, although not quite so glamorously, grew into my face/worked out crimping wasn’t really for me.
Drunk men hoping for sex have told me I look like Scarlett Johansson. I see no reason to disbelieve them.
If Nick Hornby can have Colin Firth playing him then I can have Catherine Zeta Jones as me.
Cate Blanchett is the person I get told I look like the most and for the record, I would also be happy to play her in the film of her life, whichever happens first.
Emma Thompson but before she got all glam. When she was still brunette and wry, I got told a lot that I looked like her. However I was once at the same do as Haydn Gwynne and if it weren’t for the fact she’s about six inches taller than me, the likeness was uncanny. So she would be a good choice now that Emma’s a bit too glam.
Could I be played by me? I could do with the money.
Shameless flatterers occasionally tell me I look like Rebecca Hall, who I adore. Given her sterling performance in Starter for 10, she can totally do angry feminist, so I’m down with that.
Someone once told me I look like a fat Paula Radcliffe, so if she’s up for a spot of acting and snacking, then her.
“My actual life story would be incredibly dull, so I would reboot it as a surreal action adventure with lots of set piece fights and explosions for no reason.”
I would like to be played by Guy Goma, the man who showed up at the BBC for a job interview and they accidentally put him on air as a music downloads expert and he 100 per cent went with it. He would play me brilliantly because he is ready for anything. I also think he should play Bond.
I used to get told I looked like Mary Louise Parker. Not now though. Maybe she has an older, slightly-out-of-shape sister who’s been yearning for some more acting work.
Kathy Burke. She’s the only actress I’ve ever been told I’m like. And, mostly because I want to be her. When I had long black hair, I also got called ‘Fat Lily Allen’, so there’s another option.
I’ve been told I look like Mrs Doubtfire and Tootsie so essentially hairy men dressed as women. I would like to go with ET when dressed as a lady. That’s what I feel like when I have to get DRESSED UP. So can he play me please? Or anyone in glasses as we all look the same, clearly.
Margo Martindale, because she is awesome and because she would give me the pleasingly sinister air that I have IN MY MIND.
Gary Oldman. It’s the ongoing joke with my friends that I have Gary Oldman Blindness because I can never recognise him in films. Watching any other actor play me would feel fraudulent but with Gary Oldman, I’d probably be halfway through and go, “THAT’S Gary Oldman?! NO WAY!”
I’ve only ever been told I look like Barry Manilow, Eric Bristow or a cow. I think all three are still alive so take your pick as to who’d do it for the lowest fee. Probably Eric.
Daniel Day-Lewis. He’s method, so I reckon I could sell him the idea that doing all those shit jobs I hate doing for six months was actually ‘getting under the skin of the character’.
John Candy. I’m like a big mouse.
Joe Pesci. He’s small and really good at being angry.
“I would like to go with ET when dressed as a lady. That’s what I feel like when I have to get DRESSED UP.”
I know there’s an age problem here but Jessica Lange. She could bring a touch of class to me urinating outside after nights out drinking and dying on my arse in provincial towns while learning how to be funny.
Jessica Williams from The Daily Show please. Because she’s Jessica Williams. And also, if my husband gets to play the part of himself then he’ll be very happy. Aaaah fuck… No, that’s a bad idea.
Miriam Margoyles: she’s hilariously salty, doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of her and is as mad as a fish in a tree. If I get to a point in my life where that’s what people say about me I’ll be chuffed to bits and it’ll be an easy acting job for Miriam.
Gabby Hutchinson Crouch
My actual life story would be incredibly dull, so I would reboot it as a surreal action adventure with lots of set piece fights and explosions for no reason. I would be played by Michelle Gomez. She looks nothing like me and has a completely different accent; I just think she’s great.
I’d be played by Upsy Daisy from In the Night Garden. The similarities are clear: Cheerful, rocks a frock, prone to flashing some knickers to get attention…
My daughter, Stephanie Amy Hindle. She is an actress and the bloody spitting image of young, skinny me. She’d have to do mo’ cap and CGI for the current age Jabba the Hutt version though.
The kid who plays Draco Malfoy.
Enjoyed this? Help Standard Issue keep going by joining our gang. Click here to find out how.5446 Views
Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.