Written by Sooz Kempner

Voices

Me and my big nose

Gisele Bündchen was told her nose was too big to ever be on a magazine cover. Say whaaaaat, sniffs the well-beschnozzled Sooz Kempner.

Sooz with green witch makeup on

Spellbinding: Sooz and her ‘witchy’ nose.

Adrien Brody = hot! Bradley Cooper = gimme! Pablo Schreiber = absolutely yes! Tom Cruise = …no, but not because of the nose.

“Sooz, why are you shouting the names of men and then saying what you think of them?” I’ll tell you. The men I’ve mentioned are all famous actors and they all have something in common: sizeable noses.

Yes, a distinctive, larger-than-average noise is not uncommon in Hollywood. Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Marlon Brando are all considered among the greatest actors who have ever lived (even if they’ve been in Dirty Grandpa) and are sex symbols too. A big nose is no hindrance if you are Hollywood gent. But what if you are a big-nosed lady trying to make it in entertainment? Is a bigger conk something people even notice on a chick?

I’m 31 and in my teens my face started to become the face I’ve ended up with. I have a relatively defined jaw, big eyes like an owl/Disney fish and a nose that has been described as ‘distinctive’, ‘witchy’, ‘a model for Concorde’ and ‘fantastic’.

I used to hate it, I was convinced I looked like a cooker hood from the side, a grotesque crone’s silhouette that meant I would never be described as pretty and would never be desirable in any sphere, either as a girlfriend or a friend or a co-star.

Whenever I was bullied it was for being gross-looking. I was a nerdy girl so I was an easy target and I couldn’t be bullied for being fat but I sure could be bullied for having a weird face. “YAWWWWWN, Sooz, who cares?” I know, I know, let me get to my point. I read this week about somebody else who was bullied for having a big nose and was even told as she began her career that her big nose was unattractive. She wasn’t deterred.

That woman was well-known fugly troll Gisele Bündchen, one of the most successful models in the world. Reading her words made me realise something… I too can become a top model! It’s time to stop letting my height (5’1”), my weird feet and my grand nose get in the way. The catwalks need me.

“Barbra Streisand is the only woman in the history of Hollywood to have what can accurately be described as a big nose. She broke the mould in the 60s and remains the only woman to do so. And she’s sexy as hell.”

Obviously I’m not about to become a supermodel (if a modelling agency calls I will say, “No thanks!”) but looking at pictures of Gisele you’d be forgiven for saying, “Big nose lolwut?!” What she actually has is a nose that isn’t a button nose.

When I recently mentioned on Facebook that to have a bigger nose is an undesirable feature for a woman I was offered Barbra Streisand’s name. Ah, Babs. My hero. And yes, the bearer of a distinctively large nose. Other names offered included Salma Hayek, Anne Hathaway, Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt and Meryl Streep.

I studied the noses of these apparently massive-conked ladies and compared them to my own, deciding that it’s really hard to find anything offensive about a nose. Conclusion? Barbra Streisand is the only woman in the history of Hollywood to have what can accurately be described as a big nose. She broke the mould in the 60s and remains the only woman to do so. And she’s sexy as hell.

Gisele Bündchen

Who nose? Why Gisele Bündchen’s nose is considered ‘large’ is a mystery to Sooz. Photo via Wikimedia Commons.

I started reading about all the Hollywood nose jobs that have taken place. It’s not a new thing, Gloria Swanson had rhinoplasty to reduce the size of her nose in the silent era and Marilyn Monroe also had her hooter restructured because, of course, you can’t be a bombshell without a button nose, but it’s shocking to see that the pressure to conform in Hollywood goes way beyond being an acceptable movie weight.

I don’t blame any of the nose-jobbers for having their faces chiselled while under general anaesthetic but I do have a problem with an industry that won’t let a woman with a non-altered schnoz play a role in Friends, a show ostensibly about six ‘ordinary’ people in New York.

Gisele’s nose is perfect and she was right to leave it just as nature intended when she was given shit by bullies, agents and photographers. If she took her apparently unacceptable nose and became a supermodel, I think I can safely say my noble nose can stay just as it is as I attempt to carve out a comedy career. After all, I need my killer snotlocker to give the Twitter trolls something to distract them from my horrendous personality.

@SoozUK

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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.