Written by Various Artists


If I die, think only this of me

All good things come to an end, so for Plan Your Epitaph Day (yeah it’s a thing) we put some thought into how we’d like to be remembered.

Sarah Ledger
I dread dying in an amusing way – tripping over a string of sausages and falling down the stairs or something – and then everyone at my funeral laughing and saying, “It’s what she would have wanted.”
So just to set the record straight, it’s not. I want full mourning, a solemn service and the TARDIS sound effect as the curtains close round my coffin. And my epitaph? “Beloved, respected, missed.”

Hazel Davis
I’d like what a former editor once said to me, “She’d have been great on Smash Hits.” Still the best thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Jen Offord
On the basis that I seem to remind anyone I’m ever romantically involved with that they are still in love with their ex: “She was good, but she was not the one.”

Dotty Winters
She proceeded until apprehended.

Annabel Giles
She did her best.

JoJo Smith
Nevertheless she persisted.

Hannah Dunleavy
She never married. Which means you probably owe her a tenner.

Suze Kundu
In death as in life, still holding out for that growth spurt.

Sooz Kempner
Her bed was her office.

Julie Balloo
Where’s my phone?

Sarah Hendrickx
Quiet, at last.

Cal Wilson
In very small lettering: “If you’re reading this, you’re standing on my face.”

Sophie Scott
When I was very young we found this epitaph for a dog on a memorial outside Fishguard in Pembrokeshire: “Stop stranger! Stop and shed a tear. For Frantic the Hound lies buried here.” I’d like that and also please start to call me Frantic, thank you.

Susan Hanks
She was always patient and kind, except when she was hungry.

Lili la Scala
She lived. She loved.

Justine Brooks
Don’t fuck with me.

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.