Written by Sarah Millican

Voices

How to take the perfect cock shot

If certain men are going to insist on sending photographs of their gentleman’s particulars on Twitter, Sarah Millican and Kim Cattrall kindly request that they at least put the effort in.

Illustration of men and cocks artfully arranged

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Sarah Millican: Now you’re on Twitter [@KimCattrall]. I like Twitter for the fact that I can contact my fans directly. There’s no filter.

Kim Cattrall: Yes, but it can also be an enemy in that way too. Because you do feel sometimes that you’re attacked.

SM: Yes, I get attacked.

KC: When it was my birthday, some guys tweeted actual pictures of their private parts to me.

SM: Oh my God. Was that supposed to be your present?

KC: Yes. Literally, “This is for you.”

SM: And was it…decent?

KC: Not terribly well lit, thank god.

SM: *laughs* That’s an odd thing that men think you want to see.

I used to get dick pics sent to my website and sometimes – because of where they were sending them from – it was eight in the morning. I mean, there’s no good time to be sent a picture of a stranger’s cock, but 8am is the worst time. Did you reply to the man who sent you his…picture?

KC: No, no. I don’t think that needs a reply. I have a tendency to block that. If I don’t reply, there isn’t a clear indication that there’s a boundary there. I tend to think that if they’ve done it once, they may send other parts.

SM: Like a hand. Or a foot.

KC: Haha! No, no.

SM: To be honest, I think if he’s already sent you a picture of his cock and balls, that’s the worst it can be, probably. You’re right to block him as he clearly has no respect for you.

KC: Also, according to the pictures, he doesn’t have much respect for himself!

SM: *laughs*

KC: I mean if you’re going to send the cock and balls, please, give it your best shot.

SM: Get a good angle. Some mood lighting. Maybe avoid electric bulbs and have a candle – but not too close. I like that we’re giving people tips on how to do better dick pics rather than not at all.

KC: I think they should set the scene. A little romance.

SM: Like a few initial tweets of what’s going on.

KC: Or some set direction, some costuming.

SM: A couple of crew members. A bit of make-up.

KC: And fluffed, of course.

SM: Oh yes, no one needs to see it on the slack.

KC: I really believe that they think that they’re beautiful. And they’re not all beautiful, we know that.

SM: I’m fascinated that he saved it for your birthday. Like, she doesn’t deserve this on just any old day.

KC: Just my birthday! And he wasn’t alone. There were a couple of them. One was particularly small…

Read part one of Sarah and Kim’s chinwag here.

Read part two of Sarah and Kim’s chinwag here.

@SarahMillican75

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Written by Sarah Millican

Sarah Millican is a comedian, writer, reformed workaholic, feminist, cat and dog mam, wife and lover of food.