Written by Janine Rudin

Health

Diary of a fat lass: Making changes has changed things

Feeling crappy in head and body has prompted Janine Rudin to make some changes in her life – and make the kinds of promises to herself that are keepers. This week, she’s finding it hard to accentuate the positive.

feet on scalesI think it’s fair to say that my frame of mind is not that positive at the moment: my head is in a thick cloud of negativity, taking everything personally and feeling a bit overwhelmed. It won’t last and soon I will snap out of it.

Usually when I am like this, I wallow. I can feel sorry for myself and I reinforce it by taking to the duvet, by eating rubbish to make me feel better and not having the energy to move, which in turn makes me feel worse because I then berate myself for being a lazy, fat slob.

This time is so different. I knew having a low period would be a test to my new healthier outlook and I feel like I have achieved an A*.

I haven’t dived into the Christmas chocolates (mainly because I purposely haven’t bought any yet) and I haven’t binged on cheese on toast and other comforting crap. Neither have I ditched my 10,000 steps.

I can’t stress how much of a change this is. My default is becoming healthier choices and after a lifetime of stuffing my face when I feel low, I feel like I have more self-worth.

Changing my bad habits was about being healthier, losing some weight along the way and getting a bit fitter. I never imagined that breaking these habits would contribute to such positive emotions and a different way of thinking about myself. And I need to remind myself of that when I feel like I have such a long way to go with losing the fat, because I have achieved more than I ever dreamed.

From a fat lass perspective, I am still fat but less so than a few months ago. I’m 19 inches and one or two dress sizes down. I have more body confidence and I feel stronger and healthier.

salad

Have a picture of my lunch: bloody quinoa and salmon salad. WTF has happened to me?!

The key changes have been about being more mindful about what I eat. I won’t be whizzing up kale smoothies any time soon – although I have surprised myself by eating quinoa, so who knows? – but I am more conscious of what I eat and drink and how my emotions can affect this.

How I think about food has completely changed. In a few short months it has gone from being my enemy to my good companion, providing me with the fuel I need for my body and my brain to work well. I still adore chocolate and crisps but I make better choices, which no longer seem linked to my emotions.

It has become normal now to think about food before I eat it: do I need it? is there an alternative? Can I wait? Why do I want to eat it? Do I need a drink? Am I bored?

I used to just eat what I wanted, but I feel like I have trained my body to not need the sugar and the carbs I used to eat.

JanineSo I’m not eating after about 7-8pm; I’m eating breakfast; I stop eating when I am full and I no longer feel like I am eating for the sake of it. I’m choosing to reach for fruit and I make a mean salad – I never thought it possible to feel full and satisfied from eating a salad.

When I have made attempts at a healthier lifestyle before it has been focused on being less lardy. The main differences I am seeing this time are:

• Less bloat and less fat
• I have more energy and, despite this current blip, my mood is more balanced, especially around my period
• I am more confident and I have a greater feeling of wellbeing.

And I have started to get a lot of comments about how well I look. Such simple changes but I think I might be winning this time!

Read the previous instalments of Janine’s diary here.

@birthandbabyco
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Written by Janine Rudin

Antenatal teacher, postnatal group leader, birth & baby specialist, writer, mother, wife, friend, me. My time is spent with my family, working with parents and trying not to eat all the biscuits. @BirthandBabyCo