Written by Beth Friday

Voices

Atonement

Ever wanted to apologise for something but don’t know where to start? In a regular series where our writers atone for their past sins, Beth Friday is sorry for letting her personality shine through.

plastic cupidA lot of people write about their terrible dating experiences. I could do this. I’ve had many, including dinner with a dogger and a confusing encounter with someone who punctuated normal expressions with a smirk and the words, “as they say”. (Hello… *wink* …as they say. Nice day… *nudge* …as they say.)

Oh, and that time when, during what I’d thought was a lighthearted political debate, I was told I’d “die cold and alone.”

But the way I see it, it’s statistically improbable that the other person is always the bellend. Especially if, like me, you’re terminally incapable of being normal in situations where this is most needed.

So, when mentally reviewing my dating back catalogue, mostly I cringe at the times I will be remembered as, “That weird one who….” I know which occasions these are because the post-date debrief always involved my best mate going, “Oh God, you accidentally let your personality out again, didn’t you?”

Yes. Yes, I did.

And now the dust has settled, I’d like to apologise.

1. Sorry I used weirdly formal language because of my awkwardness at saying goodbye when I knew I didn’t want to see you again. Thank you for not responding in kind. (And please know I really do wish you “Splendid fortunes in all your endeavours.” Perhaps without the jumping heel click.)

2. Sorry for thinking that the fact I lift weights too is enough of a reason for you to fall in love with me instantly. Thank you for not laughing when I asked, completely seriously, if you wanted to meet up again “maybe for a high-protein meal.”

3. Sorry for implying I go to church regularly. Thanks for the textbook response (forgiveness) on learning I’d included visits to my mate’s vestry conversion one-bed.

“Sorry for accidentally double-booking our second date with my blood donor appointment. Thanks for coming with me.”

4. Sorry I repaid your forgiveness of my lie about religion by rapping Kumbaya whenever you mentioned God. Thanks for agreeing not to get God to smite me.

5. Sorry for saying out-loud-not-in-my-head that maybe you drink a lot to compensate for the love your ex didn’t show you. Thanks for not speculating as to the reason I can do in a bottle of Prosecco in 93 minutes.

6. Sorry for interpreting a polite question about my family as an invitation to philosophise – for three courses and coffee – on the events surrounding my parents’ divorce. And what I’m now working on with my therapist. And how I think my traumatic head injury as a child affected my worldview. Thanks for saying I have an interesting perspective on life as if you were being really sincere.

7. Sorry I ruined our first date by having to win at eating steak. Thanks for seeing this as endearing and for declining my offer of “a little after-dinner thumb war, to even the score.”

8. Sorry for accidentally double-booking our second date with my blood donor appointment. Thanks for coming with me. Sorry no one else thought me singing, “Keep bleeding…keep, keep bleeding loooove” was as funny as I did.

9. Sorry I ruined our second date by having to win at giving blood. Thanks for reminding me there is no situation where it is useful to lose blood fastest.

And finally, an honourable mention for an occasion when I demonstrated it’s still possible for me to give bad date even when we are actually going out.

10. Sorry for throwing up Malbec all over your mum’s toilet then blaming your ageing grandad’s beetroot consumption. Thanks for cleaning it up and not making me feel bad that your mum never let your grandad eat beetroot again.

@fridaybeth

2081 Views
Share:
  • googleplus
  • linkedin
  • rss
  • pinterest

Written by Beth Friday

Beth Friday is a writer and comedian. She’s also nearly a doctor, doing her PhD thesis on why people fancy each other.