There’s some funny, funny women on Twitter. Amanda Wilkie (one of those women herself) has taken a look to see if she could find some absolute corkers. Spoiler alert: She has.
So, it’s that time of year again. More reliable than the weather and a lot cheerier than most of 2016 has been so far, it’s the first half of the year’s round-up of women’s tweets.
Obviously there could and should be thousands of tweets included here but I’ve got a job, a husband, two kids, two dogs and a cat and sadly, despite being able to do a super spin, am not Wonder Woman.
So if you or someone you feel should have been included haven’t been, then please don’t shout at me and remember there will be another round-up at the end of the year.
It’s not a competition, there is no winner and the tweets are in chronological order. It’s just a fun thing to celebrate a small fraction of some of the funny, intelligent and brilliant minds of women on Twitter. Something to hopefully make you laugh or, at the very least, make you turn that frown upside down.
So, enjoy! Or not, I’m not your mum.
Maybe we should be discussing why they even built a highway to the danger zone.
— Elle Chapo (@ElleOhHell) January 3, 2016
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where's the 5th?
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) January 7, 2016
"The pelvic floor is strong in this one" – OB/GYN Kenobi.
— Scoots (@scootertooter7) January 9, 2016
The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you're being an asshole mouthing "she's just hungry."
— (((maura quint))) (@behindyourback) January 16, 2016
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I'm naked, but then I don't get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
— a real live goddess (@GoddessTitty) January 16, 2016
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
— Courtney Bae-l (@CourtneyBale) January 17, 2016
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he's uh coming later
— Melican (@MelKassel) January 18, 2016
Bloody Trump, combing over here…
— She (@vikatoyah) January 18, 2016
POLITICS: UK government says Donald Trump is allowed to visit, but can only stay if he learns to speak English.
— Andrea Mann (@AndreaMann) January 18, 2016
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 26, 2016
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
— The Lady of Whatever (@Bexdora) February 7, 2016
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
— Fally (@didifalldown) February 10, 2016
GOD: This is your self-esteem. If treated with care, it will protect y—
ME: I dropped it.
ME: Yeah, I dropped it already.
— Avery Edison (@aedison) February 12, 2016
give a man a duck, he'll eat for a day. teach a man to duck & he'll avoid projectiles aimed at his head for a lifetime.
— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) February 14, 2016
when u know the solutions to all ur problems but u just don't wanna do em pic.twitter.com/hUTzw5d7tN
— treasure✨ (@imteddybless) February 19, 2016
I tear plastic 6-pack holders with my bare hands, so sea turtles know I support them but am also ripped enough to fuck them up if I want to.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) February 25, 2016
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 26, 2016
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
— Brosephine Wires (@JoParkerBear) March 1, 2016
need some toast
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 5, 2016
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public
— Veronica Breuer (@BreuerVeronica) March 15, 2016
The Silence of the Lambs is the best film I've seen, baa none.
— Emma (@Emzlina) March 15, 2016
But HOW will u make America great again?
Trump: I'll make it like camp. A camp where u concentrate on how great I am. I'll call it a conce-
— the liv cannot abide (@liv_thatsme) March 18, 2016
Why did the Chuckle Brothers join British Gas?
To meter you.
— Sam (@sam_bambs) March 19, 2016
You'd think someone would have moved it. pic.twitter.com/RBK6yOqe1k
— Anna's T-Rex (@Thiefree) March 21, 2016
She truly is the world's greatest athlete pic.twitter.com/bYpqw8OmD0
— Anna Marquardt (@ajlobster) March 22, 2016
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) March 25, 2016
I scream "this is extremely unnecessary!!" followed by "but I've brought this entirely upon myself for some reason!!!" on roller coasters
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 26, 2016
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
— Ruthe Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) April 4, 2016
When you die they hand you a list of all the people who had crushes on you
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) April 15, 2016
The weirdest thing about Johnny Depp's Australia apology video was that it didn't also star Helena Bonham Carter.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) April 18, 2016
The last 7 years of my life backwards: a story of a woman whose house gets progressively cleaner until a doctor shoves a baby in her vagina.
— Kandy Mins (@CallousBalzac) April 18, 2016
Desperately trying to trick myself into doing some work pic.twitter.com/NylXLm8hgm
— Hen (@CaptainCaplin) April 23, 2016
Guy on the radio just described Shakespeare as "an incredible content provider".
is this a #dagger i see before me? Click here to find out!
— Katie Grant (@kt_grant) April 26, 2016
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
— Jessica Fox (@HelloJessicaFox) April 28, 2016
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I'M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) May 10, 2016
i forgot that men and women didn't have the same kind of teeth pic.twitter.com/tIjjsAYCfK
— chloE (@cuddlycheol) May 15, 2016
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail's pace!!
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 19, 2016
Lawyer: The only way you get out of here is with model behavior.
Me: Of course.
*Me strutting through prison yard, smiling with my eyes*
— Kendra Gaylord (@kendragaylord) May 20, 2016
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) May 25, 2016
*God making me*
Angel: this one may never be truly happy inside
God: whatever, just give her a good sense of humor so no one will ever know
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) May 27, 2016
Can men stop objectifying women for their sense of humour, it's really offensive to those of us who just want to be seen as a pair of boobs
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) May 30, 2016
I like my women like I like my mushrooms: dirty, hiding behind trees, pigs want her, gills in secret places, she has her own umbrella,
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) June 2, 2016
Harry Potter taught me there will always be old guys telling young guys they're special, but it's girls with frizzy hair that get shit done.
— Anna James (@acaseforbooks) June 8, 2016
I've finalised the wording of my dating ad pic.twitter.com/vrnVFqk848
— Sue Kirk (@SueKirk) June 10, 2016
I wouldn't say I'm pale, but I did once get a sunburn from a spray on tan.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) June 10, 2016
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation's brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 15, 2016
"Hi I'd like to buy some weed."
America: Sorry, that's illegal. How about an automatic weapon?
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) June 15, 2016
Never mind James Bond; Do you think they'll ever cast a black actor to play Taylor Swifts boyfriend?
— Gráinne Maguire (@GrainneMaguire) June 15, 2016
which is why i begin my sentences in the middle
— the ortolan (@rachelle_mandik) June 17, 2016
911: What's your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must've been something I said.
— Sara Mansford (@SaraMansford) June 19, 2016
God: *making Eve from Adam's rib*
Adam: That's a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 21, 2016
A family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 20, 2016
— Oonagh (@Okeating) June 21, 2016
All I can hope as a parent of 4 children, is that World Book Day was brought in by the EU.
— Twinks (@tinytwink) June 24, 2016
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
— batkaren (@batkaren) June 23, 2016
"the uk couldn't POSSIBLY leave"
"trump couldn't POSSIBLY be president"
"we couldn't POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity"
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) June 24, 2016
Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me.
Drunk in a taxi:.. And that, Mick, is why I'm emotionally unavailable I suppose.
— TheOrlacle (@TheOrlacle) July 4, 2016
Mum of two. Wife of one. Lover of wine. Head full of random wit and nonsense.