Back in December, Round-Up queen Amanda Wilkie gathered together the best tweets of 2014. And you lot ruddy loved it. So we’ve asked her to take a look at the year so far and pick the best of the bunch.
I asked Twitter to send me the top tweets written by women and our survey said there were lots. And lots. And lots.
I was inundated, which is great (who says women aren’t funny, eh!) but because I have a job, and a husband and kids and a cat who want feeding and attention, I could only choose so many. Plus, if Twitter has taught us anything, it’s that people only have a very limited attention span when faced with anything over 140 characters or that takes longer than 140 seconds to read.
Thanks so much to all who submitted tweets, especially those ladies who were brave enough to send in their own tweets. All were read and many made me do that ‘laugh out loud’ thing the kids talk about.
I left my last boyfriend because he wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what he's up to now.
— Kooch (@Koochykooh) January 4, 2015
Last bit of this foreign language phrasebook app gets dark and it gets dark FAST. pic.twitter.com/ciZtGFEwUA
— Annie Wu (@AnnieW) January 21, 2015
Diet day 3: crying just so I can taste salt
— bombsy (@bombsydoll) January 17, 2015
[sees fly] Hmm… I think I'll name this creature "Fly." [sees bird] GODDAMMIT
— ghost mom (@radtoria) January 21, 2015
Can't wait for Valentines Day. I'm gonna run into as many restaurants as I can shouting "Knew I'd find you here! You bastard" then run out.
— Ruthe Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) January 24, 2015
IMDb is run by a really proud bee.
— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) February 4, 2015
What do you mean, "I need space," are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 7, 2015
*swims to the ledge and sexily hoists myself out wearing a gold bikini* "ma'am u really need to be clothed if ur going to use the ball pit"
— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) February 8, 2015
When your cat wants to go to the Eminem concert, but he's still grounded for eating all of the houseplants. pic.twitter.com/HmJZBb59E2
— J E S S ⚡️ (@jestcoast) February 15, 2015
Soooo tired of passive aggressive cryptic tweets from someone who knows who they are.
— Candy Rain (@sixfootcandy) February 17, 2015
[inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
— dream ghoul (@Jade_VK) February 18, 2015
"There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
— MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) February 27, 2015
"Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me." (*folds a fitted sheet*) "TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 7, 2015
Dear Don McLean, I've never driven a Chevy to the levee, but I did once drive a Mazda to Asda. Is this the same type of thing?
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 11, 2015
Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare
— Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 23, 2015
[Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is 'babe' Bee: B-A-E J: Sorry. There's another 'B' Bee: WHAT! WHERE? *goes crazy* *stings Judge* *dies*
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) March 25, 2015
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
— ShesASummerGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 30, 2015
*genie emerges from lamp* genie: your wish is my command husband: i wish i wasn't in this pottery barn wife: jeremy i found a duvet i like
— Caroline Delaney (@SterileCarol) April 3, 2015
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) April 10, 2015
Is the narrow bit of an hourglass just a waist of time?
— Oonagh (@Okeating) April 17, 2015
The minute a person announces “I just say it like it is” is the exact moment they announce themselves as a giant knob.
— Sarah (@sbl1976) April 18, 2015
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 30, 2015
*ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) May 1, 2015
DORA: "What was YOUR favorite part?!" ME: DORA: ME: DORA: "I like that part too."
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) May 3, 2015
Don't get in a relationship w/someone before knowing what voices they use around babies & pets
— dr. dalia ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) May 4, 2015
Just got called 'Sir' in Sainsbury's. Finally people are showing me the respect I deserve.
— Fern Brady (@FernBrady) May 5, 2015
Whoa just realized F.ross R.achel I.oey E.obe N.onica D.andler S.ome friends
— dana bell (@danacbell) May 6, 2015
GOOD COP: If you help us, we can help you. GODOT COP: [fails to show up at the interrogation]
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 6, 2015
2015 election drinking game: if the Tories stay in for a second term, drink solidly for the next five years. #GE2015
— Rachael (@RachaelvsWorld) May 7, 2015
[dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*
— Courtney (@CourtneyBale) May 8, 2015
Funny how when my account got hacked it just tweeted diet pill links, but if you're famous it tweets drunken antisemitism.
— Red Sky At Night (@redskyatnight) May 8, 2015
"Your card has been declined. Come on. Up you get" pic.twitter.com/8vG6WOtmo2
— Maria Elena (@kfanxbye) May 10, 2015
My favourite Beatles song is the one where they are really pleased with their haircuts. Love Me Do.
— Emma Lawrence (@Emzlina) May 12, 2015
Picture this: I'm a control freak and you're not picturing it right.
— Nice Little Wife (@NiceLittleWife) May 22, 2015
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss. And now I'm being escorted out of the opticians.
— lemonsqueezette (@mostunladylike) May 24, 2015
'How do babies get in your belly?' Well, Daddy's erm..Put special seeds in there 'Do you eat them?' No love, not unless we need new shoes
— Twinks (@tinytwink) May 25, 2015
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
— Pants (@onedumbshark) May 28, 2015
Must be rad being in your 20s, not having to rearrange your body parts when you lie down because you look like a melting candle.
— Tori Anus (@zarascottio) June 3, 2015
911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 4, 2015
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered- Pixar: Gee it's kinda dark …Ok a FISH is- Pix: YES.
— SpaceGirl Incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 4, 2015
To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win
— Thoughtter (@ThoughtOtter) June 10, 2015
You're being unreasonable. "Am I?" I say, unloading the fifth box of kittens into my apartment.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) June 13, 2015
My camera phone is broken – every time I take a selfie it shows me a picture of my mother.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 14, 2015
Sleeping Beauty is so unrealistic, you can't live happily ever after with anyone who wakes you up from the best nap ever.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) June 15, 2015
that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER
— um (@runolgarun) June 17, 2015
I hope little kids know how many Saturday's their birthday parties have ruined.
— Stacey Lynne (@NervousJr) June 20, 2015
3yo (in bathroom): Mummy, can I put this sticker on Daddy's card? Me (in bed): Yes. 3yo: Will he love it? Me: Yes. pic.twitter.com/TJepUORQwH
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) June 21, 2015
I like to stand in front of these signs and slowly count out loud on my fingers, then shrug and jump in. pic.twitter.com/c3dwDidqzY
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) June 21, 2015
Ladies: always wear matching underwear 'cos if you're in an accident, you want people to think 'cor I would do her if she was alive'
— Lou Sanders (@LouSanders) June 22, 2015
Just a reminder: by now everyone should have chosen their summer jams. If you do not pick a summer jam, one will be assigned to you.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) June 23, 2015
My superpower is the ability to complicate the fuck out of the simplest things.
— AZBaseballMom (@joci2203) June 26, 2015
3:00 PM on Saturday: My house is clean! Come on by if you want! 3:10 PM on Saturday: Too late, never mind. Maybe next weekend.
— Just Linda (@LindaInDisguise) June 27, 2015
Marriage used to be so simple. You'd meet a man, buy his daughter; make awkward conversation til she died in childbirth. What went wrong?
— Alice R Fraser (@aliterative) June 26, 2015
My dog drank some coconut water so now I have to drive her to pilates.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 28, 2015
Mum of two. Wife of one. Lover of wine. Head full of random wit and nonsense.