Amanda Wilkie trawls the internet so you don’t have to. This week, as a Christmas gift, she’s scoured social media for the funniest women she could find.
In early July, I did a round-up of some of the best tweets of the year so far by funny and fabulous ladies of Twitter. So obviously I needed to do a second round-up to finish the year off. And here it is!
Thanks very much to all who submitted tweets, especially, again, to those ladies who were brave enough to send in their own tweets. Thanks for the laughs!
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
I saved you some pizza pic.twitter.com/kYpMwtlDNN
— 4 (@4eyes_) June 29, 2015
Grace, cool wisdom… I absolutely nailed that argument I just had in my head with someone I haven't spoken to in years. That'll show her.
— Josie George (@porridgebrain) July 4, 2015
On a bad date? Just wait til they're in the bathroom and leave an exact copy of your outfit on the chair. Oh no, you were a ghost all along.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 15, 2015
i've seen the way you plug in your phone and I'm never letting you near my vagina
— Nobody (@SleazySli) July 17, 2015
my nan went out to dinner but forgot to wear her dentures. it was ok tho, the restaurant offered her aperitif before her starter
— vivienne clore (@Vivienneclore) July 17, 2015
I can't tell if my local chicken shop owner is dyslexic or a militant atheist. pic.twitter.com/EAQLQo4p9G
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) July 31, 2015
"What should we name them?" Grapes "And what about these?" Grapefruits "I see. So one is a larger version of another?" Not at all "Perfect"
— j a c q u i e (@jacquiewalters) August 3, 2015
You're a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken's done.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 11, 2015
I imagine one person saying the first and then a second person asking the next three with increasing incredulity pic.twitter.com/FTj7TLe3jr
— olga lexell (@runolgarun) August 17, 2015
I think I'm going to start saying Pie instead of Hi when I greet people. No one will notice, and I always feel better talking about pie.
— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) August 21, 2015
There are 3 certain things in life. Death, taxes and pictures of animals with their heads in their paws saying 'Monday' on social media.
— Amy Huberman (@amyhuberman) August 23, 2015
We must stop lying to men. Women: come not in the war-mask of winged eyeliner and peroxide, but in your truest form pic.twitter.com/2JwYZhF44Y
— kate (@babytriggy) September 3, 2015
I like my antidepressants how I like my men – cut in half as I try to wean myself off them.
— E (@VexSlain) September 6, 2015
— Cromerty ❄ York (@Cromerty) September 9, 2015
"I'll sleep when I'm dead!" I reassure myself, walking to work in the morning and staring with envy at the cemetery.
— ktkins (@voldemortsbicep) September 10, 2015
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it's an existing yeast infection medication.
— bat-krampus (@batkaren) September 13, 2015
did… did a rottweiler write this pic.twitter.com/cmK7icX2J7
— Under the Mostletoe (@ilikemints) September 14, 2015
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
— AlexaMac Brandes (@TheWoodenslurpy) September 16, 2015
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
— ❄️ Kim Monte ❄️ (@KimmyMonte) September 18, 2015
[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
— Jebb (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
Dating ideas: -blanket forts -waterfalls -romantic fishing -dismantle an impoverished village's irrigation system -stargazing
— Coaline Stout (@CorrieStout) September 23, 2015
Film pitch: Busy mum microwaves the same cup of tea so many times she acquires super powers when she finally drinks it…
— Kirsty Smith (@eehbahmum) September 23, 2015
'Shit! The bins!' – A story of reluctant adulthood
— Rachel England (@Rachel_England) September 24, 2015
I prefer to think of a bulbous salutation as when the daffodildos come out.
— Mrs Whippy (@ClareNewton) September 24, 2015
You know you're getting older when all of your body parts that come in pairs have a bad one and a good one.
— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) September 24, 2015
Damn boy, are you a bra? Because you make me uncomfortable but society has brainwashed me into thinking I need you
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) October 2, 2015
[At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
— SpicedGirl Eggnogito (@iamspacegirl) October 6, 2015
Internalized sexism: All these years, I've just assumed Dr. Pepper was a man.
— Feralina (@FeralCrone) October 7, 2015
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more
— It's the Season. Yep (@abbycohenwl) October 11, 2015
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.
— Oonagh (@Okeating) October 12, 2015
Jonathan Ross once debated designing millions of pillows people could cry into but there'd have been too many weeper cushions.
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) October 19, 2015
I can't be the only one wondering what Yoda's got going on underneath those figure flattering flowy robes of his
— sicileigh (@toomanytoes) October 23, 2015
—You a private eye? That’s what the blue neon sign says out front. —It’s argon. Neon glows orange. V.O.: From the start, she was trouble.
— mandik the halls (@rachelle_mandik) October 27, 2015
Just found out that 'disco inferno' roughly translates from Latin as 'I learn through suffering/by means of hell' and THAT'S MY MOTTO NOW
— Hester Elizabeth (@wutheringss) October 27, 2015
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) August 28, 2015
Part of being an adult is having to be nice to kids, even if you know the kid is a lying little overly dramatic fuckface
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) October 29, 2015
So she massaged my back and I got an erection boner "Don't say both words, it's a tautology." OK, she rubbed my back and I got a tautology.
— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) November 2, 2015
Sometimes people fall in love, and sometimes [sound of garbage truck driving past]
— moody monday (@mdob11) November 3, 2015
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
— Flaniz Navidad (@imdaintyaf) November 4, 2015
If you are experiencing tremors, profuse sweating, and shortness of breath, ask your doctor to the big dance just ask already, you silly.
— Courtney (@CourtneyBale) November 4, 2015
I'm not poor. I'm big-loaned.
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) November 5, 2015
Rio Ferdinand's full name is Rio Dances On The Sand Just Like That River Twisting Through A Ferdinand.
— O Christmas T (@BooOMeringue) November 8, 2015
Columbo is on. One of the characters has just said to him "She was 36 years old,but still attractive." *Sobs quietly into Prosecco*
— Mrs Farqueharson (@parkerfarquer) November 9, 2014
7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 20, 2015
"Hello Barkless, my old friend" - The Hound of Silence
— Cal Wilson (@calbo) November 21, 2015
[18th Century Sext] My dearest Caroline, please write by return of post to estimate what you may be wearing several days from now. Yours etc
— Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) November 22, 2015
How deep is your love? Please show all work.
— ShesAMaccabeeGenius (@ShesARealGenius) November 23, 2015
Boss: Erm…this presentation… Me: Yup? B: Well…it's just 3 nondescript pie charts & some Madonna lyrics… M: Life is a mystery Steve.
— Star of Bexlehem (@Bexdora) November 25, 2015
I used to think my husband was a smooth operator. I misheard him. He's a smoothie operator. Works long hours in a juice bar. I'm so lonely.
— June Walmsleigh (@rejunevated) November 25, 2015
Women are such a mystery. Always shopping and laughing with salads and not wanting to be killed for obtaining basic, legal health services.
— Miss O'Kistic (@missokistic) November 29, 2015
What's my favourite song about living in a box? I'd have to say Living in a Box by the band Living in a Box from the album Living in a Box.
— Sam (@sam_bambs) November 30, 2015
I don't have an advent calendar so I'm just opening cupboard doors and eating whatever's inside them.
— Rachael (@RachaelvsWorld) December 1, 2015
The dawn of December 1st arrives. The door of Michael Buble's cage is unlocked. He flinches from the light. It is time.
— Gay Apparel (@figgled) December 1, 2015
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) December 1, 2015
[Tinder] Gingerbread Man: What r u into Duck: I'm into bread GM: My bread is hard. Pic? Duck: Let's maintain mystery. Meet me at the pond 🙂
— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) December 2, 2015
I don't know why these shootings keep happening, we've tried literally nothing.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) December 2, 2015
I just went to my first meditation class or as I call it "sleeping in public"
— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) December 2, 2015
Muslims have weird traditions. Why can't they just hang toys and glass balls on the plastic tree in their living room like everyone else?
— Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) December 7, 2015
DID YOU KNOW: In pre-Christian Ireland, the size of a woman's dowry was to be inversely proportionate to her number of Instagram followers.
— Gwen (@msgwenl) December 10, 2015
As you cook, clean & shop for the parties you're hosting this weekend, remember, right now, your guests are excitedly planning their excuses
— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 10, 2015
This progression of events does not fill me with confidence pic.twitter.com/OjYuuYJeWo
— Carol Naylor (@popplestone) December 12, 2015
Mike said he's breaking up w/ u cause you're not very smart & u have issues Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
— Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy) December 14, 2015
I would like to become whatever superhero you become when you get bitten by a radioactive sloth.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) December 18, 2015
Mum of two. Wife of one. Lover of wine. Head full of random wit and nonsense.