Written by Rita Cork

Misc

Rita Cork: agony aunt

Rita Cork likes nothing better than putting people in boxes and judging people. She’s off her tits on Tia Maria most days and is a life long hoarder. However, she’s been given this column as a favour, so will give your problems her absolute best shot. This week, a lonely lady seeks friend-making advice.

Dear Rita,

I find it hard to make friends and now I am in my late 30s it seems even more difficult, as everyone seems to be pairing off.
What can I do?
Please help.

Jackie
Wandsworth

solo meerkat
Rita Cork

Well Jackie, judging by the stationery you used to send me your letter, I think I can pinpoint where you’re going wrong. As soon as your letter landed on my desk I could smell dog.

Do you own a dog? Or are you just looking after one? Because I can smell dog.

If this smell has permeated your stationery Jackie, just think what its done to your clothing! I hope this reply doesn’t upset you. I try to employ diplomacy and a kind word at all times. However, if you want any kind of a life Jackie, you need to have your dog destroyed.

Maybe you are just looking after one whilst its owner is away? Is this another of your ploys to make friends Jackie? If so, there are other methods.

Have you tried falling in the street? This is a failsafe method for meeting new people. And only the kind ones will approach you, so you are already separating the wheat from the chaff. Once you have your ‘good samaritan’, tell them you think you may have fractured something and get them to call an ambulance. If they are any kind of potential friend they will follow up on your injury to see how you are doing. Then. Do. Not. Let. Them. Go.

Joining leisure centres and asking people to hold your ankles down whilst you do sit-ups can break the ice. Don’t bother with book clubs. Readers are very insular creatures and therefore a waste of your time. Why not take a course? Or learn a language? Anywhere where there is forced interaction can lead to friendship.

I’m assuming you’re single Jackie? The bitterness in your letter came through when you mentioned people ‘pairing off’. Have you thought of ‘pairing off’ yourself? Dating sites can offer potential love and friendship, and they are not all full of desperate loser weirdos.

Try to learn to enjoy your own company. I know it must be hard. Especially when others are ‘pairing off’ and you’re all alone, reeking of dog.

Remember the positives. Friendships involve a lot of man-hours. So why not make use of this free time by making sandwiches for the week ahead or simply sleeping, because when you’re sleeping there are no lonely times.

Take care,

Rita

NB: We would like to remind our readers that Rita Cork is maladjusted. Why anyone would write in and ask her advice is beyond us. However, if you insist on knowing what a small-minded, 50-something xenophobe has to say about your problems then good luck to you.

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Written by Rita Cork

Rita Cork has a severe allergy to grass pollen and an Intel Pentium Processor. She once fell down a ravine as a child and as a result of this is now maladjusted.