Written by Rita Cork


Rita Cork: agony aunt

Rita Cork likes nothing better than putting people in boxes and judging people. She’s off her tits on Tia Maria most days and is a life long hoarder. However, she’s been given this column as a favour, so will give your problems her absolute best shot. This week, a mother is concerned about her son.

Dear Rita,

I suspect my son is gay. This isn’t a problem – I would just like to know. How can I get him to confide in me?


Rita CorkDear Judy,

Some of my favourite people are as bent as a hoop, so try to look on the bright side; he could help you with your decorating instead of getting killed in a war zone.

Have you tried coaxing him out of his closet with a Shirley Bassey LP?

He might not be gay. He might just suit pastel colours. Why does it matter so much to you? Maybe he is still undecided or likes both men and women – did you think about that? Did you? Well did you?!!!

Have you seen him dance? It’s not a watertight theory but generally speaking straight men are unable to rotate their hips.

Your letter suggests you may have too much time on your hands, Judy. Why not acquire some hobbies? Tropical fish are relaxing to watch and their deaths will not cause too much sadness.

Remember: you are from a generation where gayness was a sackable offence. Nowadays it is not even interesting. The worst that will happen is he gets his own show on Saturday night TV.

Take care,

NB: We would like to remind our readers that Rita Cork is maladjusted. Why anyone would write in and ask her advice is beyond us. However, if you insist on knowing what a small-minded, 50-something xenophobe has to say about your problems then good luck to you.

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Written by Rita Cork

Rita Cork has a severe allergy to grass pollen and an Intel Pentium Processor. She once fell down a ravine as a child and as a result of this is now maladjusted.