Rita Cork likes nothing better than putting people in boxes and judging people. She’s off her tits on Tia Maria most days and is a life long hoarder. However, she’s been given this column as a favour, so will give your problems her absolute best shot. This week, a heartbroken women asks for advice on how to get over her ex.
I split up with my boyfriend five months ago but I still have feelings for him. He’s moved on. How can I get over him?
I’m happy to say there is a simple foolproof solution to this.
First, find a photo of your ex and look at it, Becky. Then put the first two fingers of your right hand (left if you’re left handed) and push them down the back of your throat. Do this every time you look at the photo and every time he pops into your head (yes, even if you’re on public transport). You will soon associate his face with a gagging sensation.
This will train your brain to re-wire itself and set you free to love again.
NB: We would like to remind our readers that Rita Cork is maladjusted. Why anyone would write in and ask her advice is beyond us. However, if you insist on knowing what a small-minded, 50-something xenophobe has to say about your problems then good luck to you.
Diane Morgan is a comedy actress best known for Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe and being one half of sketch duo Two Episodes of Mash.