Written by Diane Morgan


Rita Cork: agony aunt

Rita Cork likes nothing better than putting people in boxes and judging people. She’s off her tits on Tia Maria most days and is a life long hoarder. However, she’s been given this column as a favour, so will give your problems her absolute best shot. This week, she advises on long-distance relationships.

Dear Rita,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years now. Last year he moved to Hong Kong for work. I’m worried. Can a long distance relationship survive?


He’s moving to China? Ta-ra mate

Rita CorkDear Lyndsay,

No Lyndsay, a long distance relationship cannot survive. Oh you can Skype til you’re blue in the face but there’s a lot of truth in the old adage ‘out of sight, out of mind’. He’s probably already met someone.

How long is he due to stay out there? If it’s longer than three months, I’d say forget him. Cut your losses and move on. Plenty more fish in the sea. Next time make sure your ‘fish’ has no ambition or drive. He’ll be less attractive but at least you’ll know where he is at night.

Also, are you absolutely sure he’s in Hong Kong? I knew a friend who told her boyfriend she was in San Francisco when in fact she was in Newport Pagnell all along; she just couldn’t stand the sight of him.

Keep your pecker up!


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Written by Diane Morgan

Diane Morgan is a comedy actress best known for Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe and being one half of sketch duo Two Episodes of Mash.