Written by Diane Morgan

Misc

Rita Cork: agony aunt

Rita Cork likes nothing better than putting people in boxes and judging people. She’s off her tits on Tia Maria most days and is a life long hoarder. However, she’s been given this column as a favour, so will give your problems her absolute best shot. This week, a lonely lady seeks friend-making advice.

Dear Rita

I am in so much debt. I’ve run up almost £9000 on credit cards and cant see a way out. What can I do?

Justine
Wilmslow

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HBO’s Behind The Candelabra (2013)

Rita Cork

Wake up Justine! You are not Liberace! Reign in your spending and think before you buy. Do you really need a white baby grand piano encrusted with rhinestones?

Keep a notebook of your purchases to see where you are haemorrhaging money.

You could try leaving town but the odds are high that they will hunt you down like a dog.

My advice is to cut up your cards and live like a monk for five or six years. Eventually you will break even and be able to allow yourself little treats – like Brie or a set of leather-bound encyclopedias.

Remember: the best things in life are free. Like air and the sea.

Do you live near, or over the top of an Aldi, Justine? My friend Barbara shops there and makes quite a saving on her food shop. Then again, Barbara’s tastebuds are all shot to shit (overuse of a tongue scraper).

Still, if taste isn’t a big priority for you, you might want to give it a try.

Christ. What a mess! I feel really sorry for you.

Rita

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Written by Diane Morgan

Diane Morgan is a comedy actress best known for Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe and being one half of sketch duo Two Episodes of Mash.