Written by Felicity Ward


The Porcelain Bus

Trip Advisor covers hotels, cities, adventures, even goddamn cups of coffee. But who is reviewing the toilets? Enter Felicity Ward with the first in her series of loo reviews.

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As a comedian and irritable bowel syndrome sufferer (sorry boys, this one’s taken), the state of a public toilet is serious and necessary.

LOCATION: Melbourne Airport

OCCASION: Leaving the country

URGENCY: Casual visit

Classic airport loo: standard back-of-door advertising, plenty of cubicles, and enough space for international travel luggage and a hefty shit. Where the quality usually varies in an airport facility is cleanliness, and this one is top shelf. Not a loose bit of paper or lost child on the floor anywhere.

However, the real selling point of this particular convenience is the Dyson Airblade. If you haven’t experienced the mano-a-airblade experience, then you haven’t lived. In just 10 short seconds the moisture from your (hopefully) washed hands is blasted away – like dunking your hands in a windy toaster. Depending on age/skin elasticity it’s great entertainment for the kids, watching the air create fleshy waves on the surface of your drying hands.

Cleanliness: 9/10

Smell: Neutral (as good as a 10)

Special features: The Dyson Airblade

Flush: Classic flush and half flush on a very standard, visible, pared down wall button.

Music: None. Bit of a drawback, as no one likes to hear the goings on in your friendly neighbourhood john.

Recommend to a friend: Unless you fancy a 20-minute walk over multiple highways to a crusty petrol station, then yes, obviously.

Overall: Originality is the only thing steering this toilet away from a higher score. There’s no outstanding features, or something that gives it that je ne sais quoi, like a mural, or a shrine to Steve Guttenberg. That’s why this toilet is getting 8.5/10.

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Written by Felicity Ward

Felicity Ward is an Australian comedian, writer, actor and full time knucklehead, based in the UK.