Written by Felicity Ward


The Porcelain Bus

Trip Advisor covers hotels, cities, adventures, even goddamn cups of coffee. But who is reviewing the toilets? Enter Felicity Ward, who as a comedian and IBS sufferer takes the state of a public toilet very seriously.

LOCATION: Coffee Circus, Crouch End

OCCASION: Feeling the side effects of coffee, but nothing drastic.

URGENCY: May as well.

There are three things I look for in a good coffee: nice crema, strong flavour, and somewhere to get rid of it. I’m almost fully unlikely to stay in your café or restaurant unless you have all three. Enter Coffee Circus: for the connoisseur of coffee and bumholes.

The toilet is no fuss but with a quaint charm. The wooden toilet seat suggests sturdiness and warmth (future termites being the only issue). The hand dryer has two stickers on it. Ones says “Feel The Air” and the other “Good Morning”: both make me smile while taking a post-latte constitutional.

The wood finish on the frames and the shelf give it a cabin feel, and the hooks on the back of the door just make life that little bit easier when undressing in the winter. No one wants to take their scarf for a porcelain dip!

The real treat, and perhaps an accidental treat at that, is the placement of the toilet roll. Not only is it reachable, which is a triumph in and of itself, but it is gently hinged over their in-toilet radiator. Genius. Don’t just clean your bum – warm it clean.

Cleanliness: 8/10.
Smell: Nothing memorable. This is a good thing.
Special features: Never before seen/felt warm toilet paper.
Flush: Button top.
Music: The chatter from the coffee lovers outside and the ambience of instore, classic Café Del Mar albums, which seem to have been in remarkably high rotation since the late 90s.
Recommend to a friend? The coffee and the services.
Overall: 8.5/10. No accessibility. Old building, but still it gives me the shits (pun intended).

Facebook: Felicity Ward
Felicity is about to tour Australia for two weeks:
Adelaide fringe 23rd Feb-2 March
Melbourne- 5th March
Sydney- 6th March
Perth- 7th March
  • googleplus
  • linkedin
  • rss
  • pinterest

Written by Felicity Ward

Felicity Ward is an Australian comedian, writer, actor and full time knucklehead, based in the UK.