Written by Sooz Kempner


Please, don’t teas

Squirty tea? What an excellent idea. Think of all the time it’s going to save, says Sooz Kempner.

Tea will never be the same again.

Tea will never be the same again.

Making tea has long been one of the most time-consuming and challenging aspects of modern living. Making a perfect soufflé is child’s play compared to making an average cuppa. Nobody knows how many cups of tea us Brits make per year but the estimation is that it is the high trillions.

All this time making tea means we can only sleep for one hour a night and we always have to be within six feet of a kettle. We are a nation just crying out for something to make the Sisyphean task that is tea-making a little easier and finally, something has come along that will change everything.

No More Tea Bags is a new product: tea in a can. You’ve seen squirty cream and you may have even seen squirty cheese… well now there’s squirty tea. Coming in a variety of tea-types (jasmine, Earl Grey and more; so many VARIE-TEAS, guys!), you can now spray tea directly into the cup.

Each can contains 20 cups of tea and it’s just £4.99 per can. That’s right, for the price of just 200 teabags you can save yourself many seconds and also the pesky task of getting rid of teabags. With all the time I’m now saving by using can-tea I’ve come up with some ideas for other convenient foods for your mouth and lifestyle.

Each one a little soggy packet of life that you'll never get back.

Each one a little soggy packet of life that you’ll never get back.

Ready-Buttered Toast

How long does it take to make and butter toast? Come on, how long? That’s right, it takes up to two hours. Imagine what a breeze breakfast could be if you could buy buttered toast in loaves just like we’ve been doing with sliced bread since the 90s. Just open that bag and a buttered slice of toast is there, ready for you to slap on a plate and enjoy. Maybe don’t even use a plate. With Ready-Buttered Toast YOU make the rules.

100 Per Cent Apples

If you’re anything like me you will quite like apples. They’re certainly completely fine as fruits go and they grow in many different styles including Pink Lady and Granny Smith. But they all have something we could do without and I’m sorry to use strong language, but apple cores can just sod off.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m saying what the whole world is thinking here and that’s why I’m delighted to announce my new invention: 100 Per Cent Apples. These are apples that scientists will develop to grow without a core. They’ve grown seedless grapes so I flat-out know, with zero scientific background, that 100 Per Cent Apples will be easy to create. Can’t wait to munch right through these things.

Car Sandwiches

Eating in the car is hazardous. Please don’t try to eat in the car, because while you’re reaching for a Hula Hoop a child flying on a drone could just land right on your windscreen. I’ve come up with a solution: Car Sandwiches.

When you want to indicate you just flick a switch. When you want to turn on your lights you just flick a switch. When you want a sandwich you will now just flick a switch and a sandwich will fly right out of the dashboard in to your mouth. Mm-mm, safe snacks on the go. You can enjoy a tasty sandwich and safely swerve to avoid a child flying around on a drone.

No More Tea Bags productBubble Gun

You like gum, I like gum. You hate wrappers, I hate wrappers. Eradicate wrappers by firing gum straight into your mouth with a gun. BANG! Bubble Gun.

Mind lasagne

I’ve saved the best till last. Making a lasagne is a big pain we could all do without. I don’t even like to THINK about what goes into making a lasagne. Or do I? Welcome, everybody, to the Mind Lasagne. It’s a lasagne that you create merely by imagining it. You think a lasagne and there it is right in front of you. Mind Lasagne! Again, I don’t have a scientific background but I really, really believe in this idea. You’re so welcome.

Thanks to the makers of No More Tea Bags, a whole world of convenience could be about to open up to us all.


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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.