Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per minute).
The full moon in the 12th brings the ability to levitate. Use this while it lasts to impress a lover.
Doing your family tree will uncover Nazi sympathisers. Do a jigsaw to take your mind off it.
Lucky stone: Tiger’s Eye
Mars enters your sign on the 26th and then leaves at 4.35pm on the 27th. Try to get all your Christmas shopping done during these hours.
You have a poltergeist in your small back bedroom. That’s not a euphemism. You need a priest with some holy water, and fast.
You will find out you are barren this week, but remember: a lot of people’s lives have been ruined by having kids. Buy new carpets instead and look on the bright side.
Your wisdom teeth will implode this week, but your inherent racism lands you your ideal job. Wear yellow for energy
You are very psychic. While in a trance you will feel an Irish gypsy come over you.
Your fortune lies in the back of a blue Ford Cortina
A sponsored walk ends in disaster this week when someone falls off a cliff. However, a lipstick you buy from an Avon catalogue will have magical powers. Swings and roundabouts.
You need to rein in your spending; You are not Princess Anne. Get the Megabus and know your place.
A family pet will have to be put down this week. Fortunately it is not yours.
Wear moonstones for more free shit.
You will be possessed by the spirit of dead monk this week. Play Buckaroo until it passes.
You will become romantically involved with a man who looks like a Crimewatch photofit. Don’t be so quick to judge; he can bodypop and put up shelving.
Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).