Written by Linda Cockshott

Misc

Horoscopes by Linda Cockshott

Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for 2017. If you would like a more in-depth forecast please call 0800 965876 (calls cost £15 per minute).

linda cockshott
Capricorn

Last year was a shitstorm, wasn’t it? It’s not over yet. On Thursday you will fall from a crane while looking for a wireless hotspot.
Lucky stone: peridot

Aquarius
This year will bring much excitement and drama for you. You will win a Honda Civic in a raffle but then on 5 June get your hair extensions caught up in a combine harvester when you lie in a field with your headphones in.

Pisces
You are keeping a Maltese falcon in your airing cupboard. I’ve told the RSPCA and they say it’s actually OK.

Aries
You keep having dreams about an amazing new business idea for a contraption that perfectly cuts up boiled eggs. This is an egg slicer and it has already been invented. Back to the drawing board!

Taurus
Your Uber driver has arrived. He’s outside right now. He’s in a three-wheeler. The windows are misted up but he looks like he hasn’t a stitch on. Check his Uber credentials before you get in. I’m sure it will all be fine.

Gemini
Every time you close your eyes you see into the future. I don’t know what to suggest. Share your gift with the world or see an optometrist.

Cancer
You’ve ballooned. We’re all thinking it. ALL OF US. Lay off the fudge or risk looking like someone’s drawn a face on an airbed.

Leo
Someone has clipped the word ‘wanker’ into your hedge. The culprit is a woman called Barbara. She is mentally ill so technically there is nothing you can do.

Virgo
You crack your jaw doing a forward roll on Wednesday and your new cornrows make you look more like some foreign footballer than Bo Derek. Personally, I saw nothing wrong with your mullet.

Libra
You forgot to switch your data roaming off when you went abroad and have incurred a bill of £34,000.
I asked Martin’s Money Tips what to do in this situation and he reckons you should fake your own death.
Lucky stone: topaz

Scorpio
Your rent soared so much in 2016 you started living in a storage container at Big Yellow Storage. Check the container next to you for THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

Sagittarius
You have been storing sperm in ice cube trays in your fridge for future use but I foresee disaster when someone asks for a white wine spritzer at your next BBQ.

Catch up on what the stars held for you previously here.

@missdianemorgan

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Written by Linda Cockshott

Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).