Written by Linda Cockshott

Misc

Horoscopes by Linda Cockshott

Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for October. If you would like a more in-depth forecast please call 0800 965876 (calls cost £15 per minute).

linda cockshott
Capricorn
You will be sacked from Chicken Cottage. You will be replaced by a small disabled monkey. He’s faster than you, stronger than you, and he doesn’t sext Chippendales during work hours.

Aquarius
The face of Montgomery Clift will appear to you in the form of condensation on your bathroom mirror. I wonder what he’s after?
Sometimes spirits refuse to move on and instead decide that they will appear to a nobody like you in the form of steam. Maybe get an extractor fan.

Pisces
Lately, you have been wondering what the fucking point of everything is. Don’t go pulling at this thread! Just find things you like doing and mindlessly do them. If you find yourself ‘alone with your thoughts’, watch The Cube on ITV.

Aries
You bump into your arch enemy today while rinsing out your Mooncup in the ladies at Charing Cross station. Wait ‘til she goes in the bog and then jam her in with a length of wood.

Taurus
Constant rejection is getting you down. Even your memory foam mattress is preferring to remember other people’s body shapes.
On the plus side you will spot Esther Rantzen in WH Smith. Resist the urge to ping her teeth.

Gemini
You are motivated by power and greed, making you an excellent team leader. If only your glovebox wasn’t filled with rotting pork.
Lucky gemstone: Amber.

Cancer
You will find a gumshield baked into a red velvet cupcake this week. Keep hold of this because the bareknuckle boxer it fits is your perfect match!
Wear red to ward off Tories.

Leo
Your root canal treatment uncovers a secret tunnel to the 17th century. Go down it! What’s the worst that can happen? Maybe you’ll end up in some sort of Goodnight Sweetheart situation where you can really enjoy life as a bigamist.

Virgo
You will be chased by a big rolling ball like in Indiana Jones on Tuesday. If this doesn’t get you, the shards from the exploding lava lamp on Friday will.

Libra
You will snap your collarbone playing volleyball this week. Use your hospital time to catch up on Borgen.
Your council estate has been renamed ‘The Millennium Falcon’.

Scorpio
You have a problem with authority and your attitude stinks. However, you have a wonderful sense of humour and are incredible in the sack.
Your collection of glass eyes has remained unsold on eBay; try Exchange and Mart.

Sagittarius
The underwater breathing apparatus you purchased from Lidl has a hairline fracture in it. What do you expect for £12.99?! Someone who cuts corners so drastically shouldn’t be allowed forks, let alone diving holidays.

Catch up on what the stars held for you previously here.

@missdianemorgan

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Written by Linda Cockshott

Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).