Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per minute).
You will lose your dachshund to quicksand on Tuesday. Try not to dwell on his demise, it was mercifully quick (hence the name ‘quick’ sand).
Wear a copper bracelet to ward against rheumatism and making friends.
Can you hear a high pitched whistling noise? Yes? That’s because your hearing is fucked. On the plus side, tinnitus is really handy for getting out of social events.
Time to de-scale your kettle.
Your inflatable neck rest will pop on a long haul flight. Long story short: NEVER FLY AIR BALTIC unless you want chronic whiplash.
Wear blue for a pay rise. Probably.
If your hamstrings are tight, wait until the full moon wanes… or see a physio.
You are trying to find new ways of making money but remember, it’s illegal to sell firearms on eBay.
When in a rage, you have a look of Beryl Reid.
“Everything comes to those who wait.” This is a lie. You must prise yourself out of your armchair if you do not want to die alone.
Your low arches are giving you a shit-tonne of gyp this week and a fall from a window will result in shattered calcaniums.
You will win a bucking bronco competition but knock your front teeth out in the process. That’s life! We are all on a one way trip to a pine box. Console yourself with a custard tart.
Don’t bother going to the dentist; he is giving you fillings you don’t need for the cash.
You took more tinned peaches than strictly necessary to September’s Harvest Festival and your generosity will finally be rewarded in the shape of tickets to see Derek Acorah live.
Your head will swell up when you supplement your income by taking part in medical trials. Wait for it to go down before getting your new passport photo or you will be setting yourself up for a whole new heap of shit.
Your bed sores are getting worse. Get a friend to flip you over occasionally.
Most Virgos can tell when Mercury is in retrograde because their shins will ache like billy-o.
Stress will cause you to take up shoplifting. You will be caught red handed with a bag of Babybels. Embarrassing. Though It didn’t do Winona Ryder any harm did it? She went on to make the movie Black Swan. You haven’t seen it – treat yourself!
You will fail your driving test theory for the 47th time. Next time, try cheating by writing the answers up your arms or sleeping with the man who marks the papers. This all depends on how big your arms are and what the examiner looks like.
Mars will cause you to slip a disc, spilling your coffee and scalding your feet, meaning they swell up and you have to get your Dr Martens cut off/surgically removed. Your Dr Martens can be replaced. Your disc, however, is utterly fucked.
Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).