Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the month ahead. If you would like a more in-depth forecast please call 0800 965876 (calls cost £15 per minute).
Your party trick of turning your entire body inside out for four seconds is pushing men away and also leaving you open to infection. Stop showing off and you will soon meet that narrow-minded bigot you long for.
Lucky cheese: Manchego
You are working your balls off at work for a better life, but remember: the best things in life are free – like gravity. Imagine if you had to pay for gravity! All the poor people would float away. It would just be Roman Abramovich and Posh Spice walking about the place.
You will go on holiday to Zimbabwe but the turbulence on the flight will be so bad, you will dislocate your neck and bite through your bottom lip.
Also, the view from your apartment will be far from ideal.
Lucky number: 7,546
You will fall down the steps of the Eiffel Tower this week, hitting your face on each step and mashing your features into a kind of death mask of pulled pork.
Lucky stone: tanzanite
You are a hedonistic pleasure seeker looking for bigger and bigger highs. For instance, I can see that last Sunday you went to a local steam fayre and had poppers for lunch.
Give something back to the community; maybe visit an elderly or write to some chump on death row.
You stole a piece of statue from the House of Commons. (Part of Clement Attlee’s foot.) I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and suggesting you were dehydrated or ‘on the rag’? Otherwise you are just this shy of being labelled a cunt.
You have been hoarding bottles of your own sap for years now. Contact Big Yellow Storage and make some space in your flat for furniture instead. Many hoarders feel unloved, so make time for a sensual massage or spaghetti hoops.
You have decided to hold your 50th birthday at M&M World. You are an absolute cretin.
Also, you might think it’s big and clever to get your breasts autographed by Mick Jagger but look, now you have ink poisoning!
You have listed tombolas and bloodsports as your hobbies on glutenfreesingles.com; remove the latter and watch the humans flood to you.
Give ornamental fountains a wide berth this week as you are 87 per cent likely to be crushed by one.
It has long been your dream to switch on the Christmas lights, but how likely is this really!? You’re 58 for Christ’s sake, and work on a toll bridge. They won’t even let Su Pollard near them anymore.
Lucky pasta: penne
Big Mick who smells of damp rag wants to rub himself against you. Let him. Otherwise they will have to dredge the lake to find your body.
Wear orange to spread happiness.
You’re at your wits’ end this week because someone keeps pissing in your flower-beds. This is the least of your worries however, as on Thursday you will spontaneously combust
Lucky stone: ruby
Catch up on what the stars held for you previously here.17992 Views
Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).