Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead.
If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).
You will feel Jupiter’s gravitational pull so strongly in 2015 that you will veer to the left like a dodgy Mondeo.
A prison sentence is afoot. Keep your head down and do your porridge with dignity.
You need to face up to some home truths this year: no one cares about your blog and Bradley Cooper is never going to follow you back on Twitter.
On the plus side, that Kickstarter campaign will raise £24.75 for your new business.
2015 should be about learning new skills and not getting on everyone’s tits. Bending spoons is cheap and easy, but only if you are psychic and the spoons are not yours.
Your head lice problem will lose you the Miss World title. Douse your scalp with vinegar, there’s always next year.
You’ve been feeling very paranoid lately. Trust your intuition. People are talking about you behind your back. They’ve been saying you drink your own piss. Nasty comments like that.
Your Jack Russell can flex his legs both ways. Play your cards right and this could be a real money-spinner!
Events triggered by Saturday’s aspect between your ruler Jupiter and the earthy Saturn bring amazing ideas and propositions. Ignore them.
Your long lost son will return this week. The one you left in a bread bin in 1994. Don’t worry; all is forgiven.
Your pin number is 1394. Am I right?
You might want to turn over a new leaf in 2015 and stop being an absolute monster. Also, your cavity wall insulation needs addressing.
Wear blue for energy.
People have spotted your wig. I think in future it’s worth pushing the boat out and going for real hair instead of nylon weft.
Also – and I’m saying this for your own good – stop trying to sell people pyramid schemes.
You have been having a tough time of late, what with your fungal nail infection and your council flat burning down. Pamper yourself with a pina colada and a floatation tank session.
A relative will refuse to give you their bone marrow this week. Have the last laugh by cutting them out of your will.
On a regular basis, spiders climb inside your mouth during the night. There is nothing you can do about this.
You have been writing to Princess Anne and copying her hairstyle for the last 17 years. She has noticed and is flattered.
Your stigmata will reappear around Easter time. Wear mittens when shaking hands with non-believers.
You will find yourself homeless this week after a twister tears through your idyllic thatched cottage like a warm knife through fudge.
You will also get a final warning at work after someone finds your hipflask in the filing cabinet.
Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).