Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead.
If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).
This week will be a bit of a shitstorm for you. You will find out you were adopted. Your real parents are Kevin Costner and Julie Walters.
Your gastric band will snap whilst on the hard shoulder. Be vigilant. A catastrophic week is ahead. Reading about the black death will help put things in perspective.
Your love life will start to take a turn for the worse unless you pull your finger out. Remember: many Pisceans tend to die alone.
A strange astral phenomenon is going to powerfully manifest itself in your life. Do not fuck this up!
You are allergic to a rare strain of pollen which could result in blindness or death.
Lucky number 4
That man you like at work thinks you look like Monty Don.
Your cat wasn’t stolen; he ran away.
The only way you will lose weight is by ingesting a worm.
Be open minded to new people invading your inner circle
Bad news: you are NOT dyslexic.
It will start hailstoning at 3.10pm
Go for it!
Stop wearing a garter; its weird.
You’ve left your handbrake on.
Cancel the milk, you are not long for this world.
Your diving holiday will be cut short by the bends.
From the back you will look like Ian Botham, but only while Mercury is in retrograde
Time to get that swastika tattoo lasered off.
You are pregnant. It is twin boys.
You will meet with a fool within the hour.
Your library books are overdue.
A human statue will follow you home.
When you age, you will start to look like Rod Hull.
Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).