Written by Linda Cockshott

Misc

Horoscopes by Linda Cockshott

Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more in-depth forecast please call 0800 965876 (calls cost £15 per minute).

linda cockshottAquarius
All your Koi carp have died from being fed Wotsits. This might leave you vulnerable to joining Isis. Find a hobby. Zumba is popular with the general public.

Pisces
Your contact lens has slid down the back of your eye and is resting on your frontal lobe, causing flashbacks to traumatic events.
Specsavers: 0208 3724587.

Aries
Your Mooncup has become lodged in your friend’s U-bend. Extract it immediately or risk ruining their housewarming.

Taurus
George Galloway will cut you up on the M6 today. Comfort yourself with the fact that he lost his seat in Bradford West.

Gemini
Your persistent fracking will cause an earthquake. Look into more environmentally friendly methods of drilling for oil.

Cancer
You might want to freeze some eggs in case your ideal man never turns up. Remember: most people your age are married by now.

Leo
You suspect your phone is being hacked. You are mistaken. Nobody gives a shit about you or your life.

Virgo
Weirdoes find you irresistible. You’ve always dismissed them in the past. Maybe give one a chance, as all the normal people are now taken.

Libra
You’re thinking about getting a St Bernard but consider the size of his stools before taking the plunge.

Scorpio
You will suffer an electric shock while repairing your toaster, causing you to miss an episode of MasterChef. Hopefully a neighbour will be around to prod you away with a wooden stick.

Sagittarius
Your production of Swan Lake is tired and unoriginal. Why you gave up a well-paid job in advertising to concentrate on shit like this is beyond me.

Capricorn
Time to get your moles checked. That one on your back in the shape of Africa has developed a sinister crust.

Standard Issue’s very own Linda Cockshott is appearing at this year’s Latitude festival (16 to 19 July). Click here for details.

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Written by Linda Cockshott

Linda Cockshott, acclaimed astrologer, medium and intuitive healer, charts your incredibly specific horoscopes for the week ahead. If you would like a more indepth forecast please call 0800-965-876 (calls cost £15 per min).