Written by Various Artists


Guinness World Record Day: What would your record be?

As world record-chasers the world over prepare to do their best to be the best on 20 November, we asked our ace team of contributors what they reckon they already hold the record for.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

It has been 62 years since the first Guinness Book of World Records hit the shelves, presumably smashing the record for the book which holds the most world records.

On 20 November it’s Guinness World Record Day, when loads of people will be having a crack at becoming internationally renowned for doing something better than anyone has ever done it before. Or coming up with something measureable which no one has ever done before.

While trying to come up with a new record we could set (we reckon we’ve got the record for the online magazine with the bestest readers sewn right up. You’re welcome), we asked our writers to tell us what they think they could get a World Record nod for. Should they choose to fill in the form.

Sophie Scott
Longest wee. Actually practised this when I was a child, with a view to getting on Record Breakers. Christ, I hope I didn’t write them a letter. However, I reckon I’m still a strong contender.

Sarah Hendrickx
Number of pens in a handbag/rucksack/bag of any sort. Typically we’re talking seven or eight at a time, and the number is only this small due to strict pen management. I periodically reduce them knowing that they will multiply in there, much like Tupperware.
Three is the minimum safe pen number. Any fewer is foolhardy and rash. Whenever I leave the house I instinctively pick up keys, purse, pen. I am genuinely flabbergasted at people who move around the world minus a pen. What is the matter with you people? How do you write stuff down? There is always stuff to write down.

Ashley Davies
Although this hasn’t been verified by officials, I’m fairly sure I hold a global record for the number of craft/DIY projects started and quickly abandoned.

Amanda Trickett
Losing things. I’m forever scrabbling about trying to find train tickets, glasses, gloves, brollies, purse, house keys. I was at a horrendously muddy Glastonbury when, four days in, I realised I’d lost my car keys. My partner and I and our whole group of mates ransacked our tents, then I trudged to the Eavises’ farmhouse where I was handed a massive bucket of keys. On the third go I fished out my set – a fucking miracle.
I’ve still not learned, though. I had my new phone charger for two hours yesterday before I fecking lost it.

Here’s Jen, “absolutely fucking delighted with my victory”.

Here’s Jen, “absolutely fucking delighted with my victory”.

Jen Offord
Curly Wurly stretching: I won a Christmas Day contest among friends and family, which was so competitive I spent New Year 2015 off my tits on codeine and Valium for the ensuing back strain.

Annabel Giles
Number of baked beans eaten over a lifetime. Out of the tin.

Juliette Burton
I could hold the record for number of times hitting the snooze button before actually getting a foot out of bed. God! I love bed. Safest, warmest, best place.
2. Or the world’s flattest foot – literally no arch whatsoever. Walking by swimming pools, my wet footprints look like flipper marks.
3. Or most freckles/moles; I have very many and have never yet been able to count them all. Recently I was checked out by a doctor for skin cancer (all clear – hurray!) who said she physically couldn’t check every single one – too many. They’re everywhere, and I really do mean EVERYWHERE. All the places sunlight never sees… including the undersides of my feet.

Sooz Kempner
I have sung the entire Hamilton soundtrack in my car more than Lin-Manuel Miranda.

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.