If you’re a regular visitor to Standard Issue, you won’t need telling that we’re lucky enough to have a cracking team of contributors who we love dearly. We thought it was about time we let them introduce themselves properly. Please get acquainted with Lou Conran.
Age: Physical age 41; mental age 12
Location: My living room
Official job title: Comedian, writer, keen eater
What was the first thing you wanted to be? A sweet shop lady so I could steal, sorry, sample the sweets.
When did you know you wanted to be what you are now? When I was at drama school and I was told I’d never be a classical actress because I was ‘too busy trying to be funny’. My first proper acting job had me dicking about, dressed as a six-foot orange teddy bear so I guess they were right.
What’s your strongest memory from school/education? A-level college allowed me to be who I wanted to be, and I will always be grateful for that.
When you’re not working, what else do you like to do? Cook. Eat. Have chats with my imaginary husband Jeff.
What has been your proudest creative moment to date? Doing standup comedy and everything that that encompasses. That and being on stage at the National Theatre in the Marat/Sade, a ‘theatre of the absurd’ piece, and getting to pretend that I had my period by smearing my groin in fake blood in front of Neil Kinnock. You’re welcome.
What was your favourite day at work? Asking Dermot O’Leary to piss in my water bottle so I could sell it on eBay.
What would you like to erase from your past? Asking Dermot O’Leary to piss in my water bottle so I could sell it on eBay.
“My favourite person is me. It has to be. Because I’m the one that spends the most time with me, and although I drive myself insane, I’m also the one that brings me the most pleasure.”
What brings you the most joy? Apart from eating, spending time with mates who let me be me.
What makes you angry? Noisy eaters. Spitting. When the clean rice on my plate gets sullied by the rest of the dinner.
Professionally, who has been your biggest inspiration? Back in the day it was definitely French & Saunders and Victoria Wood. Nowadays, anyone at a gig that can make me laugh out loud.
Have you ever met someone who made you go weak at the knees? Yes.
What advice would you give a woman who wants a career like yours? Do it.
How do you define success? Getting through a day without asking someone to piss in your water bottle.
What’s the best advice you’ve ever had? Stop talking about it, just do it.
Where did you go on your favourite holiday? Mexico.
Who can’t you live without? My family. My small circle of girls without whom I could not function. Marti Pellow.
What can’t you live without? My Harry Potter DVD boxset.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Despite the ups and downs, always always retaining, and maintaining, my desire to do something creative, and doing it.
Who is your favourite person? Well it would have been Dermot O’Leary if he’d have just done what I’d asked. But my favourite person is me. It has to be. Because I’m the one that spends the most time with me, and although I drive myself insane, I’m also the one that brings me the most pleasure (primarily because no one has ever been able to do it the way I do).
Five years ago I’d never have been able to say that, so I think I’ve just acknowledged a mini personal breakthrough there. Thanks Standard Issue.
“I was told I’d never be a classical actress because I was ‘too busy trying to be funny’. My first proper acting job had me dicking about, dressed as a six-foot orange teddy bear so I guess they were right.”
Who’s your favourite animal? I’m not an animal lover, but I do like a monkey.
Which song could be used to soundtrack your life so far? Joe Dolce: Shaddap You Face.
Which question would you have liked to have answered in this questionnaire, but weren’t asked? How many poos have you had today? In answer, one. Not solid. Chilli on the afterburn, yet satisfactory.
You can read Lou Conran’s collection of articles for Standard Issue right here.2970 Views