Written by Standard Issue


Getting to know you… Elaine Malcolmson

If you’re a regular visitor to Standard Issue, you won’t need telling that we’re lucky enough to have a cracking team of contributors who we love dearly. We thought it was about time we let them introduce themselves properly. Please get yourself acquainted with Elaine Malcolmson.

Elaine M_2Name: Elaine Malcolmson

Age: 36 (I had to check that. My mum says I’m like Peter Pan though and I’ll never age.)

Location: Glasgow

Official job title: I think I collect job titles. I have been described as all of these things in the past month: Comedian, Writer, Actor, Performer, Academic, Library Assistant, Communicator, Invigilator, other unprintable things.

What was the first thing you wanted to be? A doctor, quickly followed by the Michelin man and then a graphic designer.

When did you know you wanted to be what you are now? I’m still not sure I am what I want to be.

What’s your strongest memory from school/education? In primary school we had a teacher called Mrs McCracken. If you had a loose tooth you were sent to her and she pulled it out. No pleasantries, just pulled it out and taped it to a bit of card. It sounds harsh but sometimes you got to choose the colour of the card.

When you’re not working, what else do you like to do? Hobbies and work overlap a lot but I like reading travel articles and planning trips that I may or may not go on. I think of it as geography by distance learning. As Standard Issue readers will know, I have a thing for nice beer. Recently I have spent a lot of time looking at blankets.

What has been your proudest creative moment to date? Probably this year’s Fringe show. It was my first solo run at the festival and it went much better than expected. Although, I did once make a life-sized rabbit out of grated carrots.

“Success is a massive clot of tiny triumphs. Or, when it’s as easy to get up on a Monday as it is on a Friday.”

What was your favourite day at work? I’ve always enjoyed a good power cut.

What would you like to erase from your past? Worry.

What brings you the most joy? The little things. Snow.

What makes you angry? Inequality. People who stand too close to me in queues. Resealable packets.

Professionally, who has been your biggest inspiration? I can’t pick one person, I take inspiration from anyone who has chosen their own path, works hard and is thankful and honest.

Have you ever met someone who made you go weak at the knees? I have a tendency to make a right tit of myself in front of anyone I admire or who is remotely famous.

What advice would you give a woman who wants a career like yours? I have a career?! You don’t need my advice; you can do anything.

How do you define success? A massive clot of tiny triumphs. Or, when it’s as easy to get up on a Monday as it is on a Friday.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever had? Just keep going.

Elaine and BasilWhat’s your favourite photograph of yourself? This is me and my first pet. Basil the corgi. I realise it doesn’t have my face in it but can you feel the contentment coming off the picture and touching your cheek?

Where did you go on your favourite holiday? I love New York and have been lucky enough to have some brilliant times there with great friends.

Who can’t you live without? The person who makes everything in this messed up world easier and more interesting with loads of laughs.

What can’t you live without? Independence, my friends and antacids.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? My next one.

Who is your favourite person? My person.

Who’s your favourite animal? I spend a lot of time looking at dogs on Instagram and YouTube and have over 200 photos of sleeping dogs on my phone. However, this fella is my favourite. This is him in his younger days. Stringer is 14 years old now and has featured in two Edinburgh Fringe shows.

Stringer the dogWhich song could be used to soundtrack your life so far? Dreams – The Cranberries.

What are your favourite three articles at Standard Issue? Oh, that question is too difficult. Erm… the next three, cos it keeps getting better and better!?

OK, I love Liz Buckley’s 7 Wonders articles, Sian Bevan’s Freelancing in the Dark was instantly relatable and Daisy Leverington’s Back Once Again with the Ill Behaviour was honest and uplifting.

Which question would you have liked to have answered in this questionnaire, but weren’t asked? Are you sure you want to complete this questionnaire?


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Written by Standard Issue