Written by Various Artists


From the mouths of babes…

An incident involving the response to some self-pleasuring monkeys at the zoo got us wondering about the most cringeworthy moments enjoyed *ahem* by parents. Our writers did not disappoint.

child looking mischievous
My friend has recently been teaching her five-year-old son the correct words for private parts. This coincides with his current obsession with trying to pull people’s trousers down. The other day he tried to pull hers down in public and when she gently reprimanded him, he said (in a clear, loud voice): “BUT I WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO TOUCH YOUR VAGINA.” This is all worsened by the fact that he’s quite big for his age, and could easily pass for an eight-year-old.

Ashley Davies

My nephew had a particular affliction of shouting how he had a penis and asking, “DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?” to any woman or girl he came across. Also, he would point very loudly at anyone in a biker jacket/with a beard/god forbid an eyepatch and shout, “LOOK MUM IT’S A PIRATE!”

Claire Goodwin

Mine pronounces ‘sticks’ as ‘dicks’. And she is LOUD. This has led to any number of mishaps: the day she told the elderly gentleman in the park that she LOVES BIG DICKS, or the time she asked a young boy if he wanted to play with dicks… or crying when she dropped a stick on the road and shouting, “WHERE IS MY DICK?!” You get the picture. Girl loves dicks.

“My husband and I try very hard not to swear like sailors around my son. However, somehow, he seems to have absorbed them by osmosis.”

Also, she used to get very ill once a month before she had her tonsils out, but would not take medicine orally. No matter what. So we had to use the dreaded suppositories. She started to call them bum-bums, and one afternoon an old woman in our building asked what she had done that day and she said, “Mama made me do bum-bums all day.”

I am genuinely sipping wine over her sleeping head at 1.31pm as I write this. Cheers.

Taylor Glenn

We’ve had an issue with a mispronunciation of ‘clocks’. The boiler repair man nearly choked on his tea during one loud proclamation.

Laura Swaddle

When Tom was little we made a decision to use the proper language to name body parts. Unfortunately Tom confused the words ‘throat’ and ‘scrotum’ and in the doctor’s waiting room would announce loudly, “I’m here to see the doctor because my SCROTUM’S hurting.”

Trying to untangle the confusion just added fuel to the fire and we had a week or so when Tom’s most popular topic of conversation was his throat/scrotum and the difference between the two. The conversations were often carried out at full volume in crowded places. When it came time to talk about how his baby sister was going to emerge from my womb my husband said, “For god’s sake, don’t tell him about vaginas. Remember the scrotum fiasco.”

Sarah Ledger

My husband and I try very hard not to swear like sailors around my son. However, somehow, he seems to have absorbed them by osmosis. Every so often when our dog, Solomon, bumps into him, I hear him whisper quietly to himself, “Fucking dog.”

Lili la Scala

child on telephoneThe other day on the canal we moved aside for some people. They said nothing. I mouthed, “You’re welcome” sarcastically at my eldest (five), who then shouted “YOU’RE WELCOME!” at them.

But the absolute best one was when my friend was round, nursing her broken heart and Clem drew a picture of her with her ‘ex’ (not really ever together) and his child, presented it to her and said, “YOUR FAMILY”.

Hazel Davis

When Frank, my cat (who I’d had for all of my nephew’s life) died, my nephew rang me:

Him: Dad tells me Frank’s gone to cat heaven but I don’t believe him.
Me: Don’t you believe in cat heaven?
Him: Of course, but I don’t think they’d let Frank in.

Hannah Dunleavy

Three of my brothers – Matthew, James and Alexander – are IVF triplets and much younger (19 years) than me. When they were nine, sat in an adorable heap at my feet, Alex, then a huge Doctor Who fan, asked me what I watched on TV. Foolhardy Noonan here couldn’t resist a tease.

Me: Sex and the City is good.
Alex [a look of horror on his wee face]: You said the ‘S’ word.
Me: But ‘city’ starts with a C…
Alex: No, you said *whispers* ‘sex’.
Me: Well, where do you think you came from?
Matthew, James and Alexander in chorus: Test tube!

That was me told.

Mickey Noonan

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.