What would the internet be without cats and dogs (and Standard Issue), eh? About as much fun as a burst sheath, that’s what. Luckily, our ace contributor Ashley Davies has just added to the web’s joy factor.
All animal lovers know our pets have real, individual personalities but lots of us, myself included, sometimes indulge in silly anthropomorphism (attributing human characteristics to them that they don’t necessarily have) and I’ve always found this really, really funny.
I also love sites like The Onion and The Daily Mash, which present prosaic observations of daily life as if they were proper news stories. Cue my new site, The Lab Report, full of daft, made-up ‘news’ stories about pets, which mixes all of these elements together and, hopefully, makes people laugh.
Here’s a true story* from The Lab Report to whet your appetite.
Pug sick of rhetorical questions
Willy, a four-year-old pug, this week complained to friends that he was sick of being patronised by humans.
Chatting with pals via urine at tea-time on Monday, Willy said: “It’s the constant stream of dull questions, really. Dull, repetitive and rhetorical.”
He added: “How many times can you hear someone gushing, ‘Who’s a boofoo boy? Hey? Who’s a boofoo boy?’ I mean, I presume they mean I am but why keep asking that? I shouldn’t think they want to know if I know any boofoo boys I can put them in touch with.
“Honestly, sometimes I would kill to have to field even a dreary question about my Christmas break, or whether I had any new year’s resolutions. I guess I’m as good a boy as the next but I don’t know how long I can maintain this facade.”1992 Views
Ashley Davies is an Edinburgh-based writer and editor and the human behind animal satire website thelabreport.co.uk.