Written by Julie Mayhew

Misc

Dear Valued Friend

Julie Mayhew’s found her inbox rather cluttered with bullshit of late.

email inboxDear Valued Friend,

This is just a note to say… Thank you for your order! We’ve received it and will be putting it all into a parcel for you very, very soon.

Everything you’ve ordered is in stock! Hoorah! We’ve put all your items into a parcel and we’ll be sure to let you know as soon as that parcel leaves the warehouse.

It’s gone! It went this morning. Yes, your parcel is on its way. God speed, little parcel! It will be with you very soon.

Us again! Just to say we’re definitely going to deliver the parcel on Wednesday. That’s WEDNESDAY. THIS Wednesday. Make sure you’re in!

This is the text making sure you got the email to say we will definitely be delivering your parcel on THURSDAY.

Sorry! The text you have just received was sent in error. Your parcel WILL definitely be with you on Wednesday. That’s WEDNESDAY. THIS Wednesday. Please accept a 15% discount code on your next order with our apologies.

It’s delivery day! Yay! Excited? We are. Make sure you’re in between 8am and 6pm.

This is a text to make sure you got our email to say that today is… Oh, you did get it. We’ll shut up then! Fabulous!

“We’re starting to wonder if you ever really wanted the parcel in the first place? Did you just like the thrill of ordering it? Was that it? Yeah, we know your sort. We were warned about your sort. We should have known.”

OK. Where were you? Our delivery driver tried to deliver your parcel at 6.05pm yesterday and there was no one in. But, you know, it’s fine, it’s totally fine. We’ll just try again tomorrow.

This is getting a bit weird. You weren’t in again. Are you okay? Are you sick? Did you fall down the stairs on the way to answer the door to our delivery driver and break your neck or… Just email, yes? We’re a bit worried.

Sorry, we sent that last email late last night after watching Holby City and drinking far too much caffeine. We’re sure you’re just fine. We’re sure you’re just busy. Why don’t you contact us to arrange a convenient redelivery time, yes? Thanks!

Hello?

Just a blank text which we hope will remind you that we still exist and really wouldn’t mind an email if you’re not too busy.

Sorry! The text you just received was sent in error. Please accept a 15% discount code on your next order with our apologies!

Hello?

Fine. We’ve decided you must be living a very busy life which leaves no time even for a two-line email. And thinking about it – how sad is that?

We’re starting to wonder if you ever really wanted the parcel in the first place? Did you just like the thrill of ordering it? Was that it? Yeah, we know your sort. We were warned about your sort. We should have known.

Just to say the parcel you ordered has been returned to our warehouse. Happy now? We had to tear it open and spread the packing chips across the floor in rage and throw all of your items back on the shelf and REFUND YOUR CREDIT CARD. Dick.

We have totally forgotten about you and the stupid order you placed way back whenever it was. Who are you again? Have we even met?

Hi! We haven’t heard from you in ages? HOW ARE YOU? Remember when we used to have all that fun ordering stuff and shiz? Well, here, have free delivery and returns on your next order. Looking forward to speaking to you again soon!

Love and hugs, your favourite online retailer. 🙂 xoxo

@juliemayhew

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Written by Julie Mayhew

Julie Mayhew writes radio dramas about love and novels devoid of romance, most recently Nazi alt-history The Big Lie.