Who aspires to climb mountains, wearing white trousers and a wide smile to match with nothing but salad for sustenance? Not Jenny Morrill, nor anyone we know.
I don’t know who these people are; they mostly exist as ladies on stock photos with inspirational text plastered across their small boobs. I don’t like these ladies; they are unnatural, going round smiling while halfway up a mountain or pointing at a horse.
Sometimes you just see their trainer-clad feet about to complete yet another 5k run. Other times, their muscular arms are punching the air in triumph because they’ve spent another day failing to eat a Toblerone.
These women live on the internet, alongside lists of how to project your inner beauty with yoga, or articles reminding you that you’re living your life wrong. What you should be doing this very minute, say these articles, is going jogging before having a ‘healthy, yummy lunch’ with some ‘close girlfriends’.
This suggestion raises two immediate problems. One: What are you supposed to do if you generally hate people, and the thought of lunch with ‘close girlfriends’ gives you gas? Two: There is no such thing as a ‘healthy, yummy lunch’.
When these inspirational ladies eat ‘healthy’ food, what they really mean is salad. And salad is not ‘yummy’ It is a punishment. There’s a reason no kid ever has a ‘Birthday Lettuce’.
On any given day, Inspirational Lady will get up at 5am in order to see the beautiful sunrise as she drinks her hot water with a slice of lemon in it. This is while you’re still in your vodka-induced snoring coma, dreaming that you live on the set of Big Break and it’s on fire.
After the sunrise, Inspirational Lady dons her special exercise leggings and heads off for her 5k run. Why is it always 5k? If she were that good, she’d be doing 1,000,000k.
Then it’s time to go to work. Inspirational Lady’s job involves wearing a dazzling smile and a brightly coloured polo shirt with a company logo on it. She loves her job because she ‘enjoys meeting people, and each day is different.’
She is always careful to remind us that the big multinational company she works for cares about its staff, because, after all: ‘There would be no company without us frontline team members!’
After a hard day’s can-do attitude, Inspirational Lady will curl up on her immaculate sofa and have a cup of coffee ‘for a treat’. She doesn’t understand that treats are something to reward yourself with, not something most of us need injecting into our veins before we can face another day of our hideous lives.
Inspirational Lady’s evenings are spent dancing in a room with a dozen other women. This is fun, and is not at all pointless and futile. If she spends the evening at home with her other half, the time will be spent doing horrible things that involve putting strawberries where strawberries aren’t supposed to go, because magazines tell you to do that.
Or she and her boyfriend might have a ‘date night’. They will sit in a cold restaurant asking each other what kind of tree they’d be, and pretending they don’t regularly see the skiddies in each other’s underwear.
Sometimes, Inspirational Lady will take a break from her routine to ‘live life to the full’. This will involve ticking arbitrary items off a list, like backpacking to a country she can’t pronounce in order to have a spiritual experience.
It will also involve swimming with dolphins, because that’s what you do. There is nothing more inspirational than being in the sea with something that’s too big to fit in a John West tin. If this isn’t your ultimate goal, there’s something wrong with you and you’re not being inspirational enough.
Inspirational Lady serves as a reminder that I suck at having a human life. I’ve never once felt the urge to run any sort of k, and if I drink water with lemon, it’s as an accompaniment to gin and my own self-pity.
Dancing is nothing more than a fun way to accidentally hit strangers and I’ve never once grinned at a sunrise while wearing a sports bra. In a nutshell: I don’t have much in common with Inspirational Lady. Whenever she appears, I’m inspired to cower under the duvet with a box of Maltesers.
You know what would really inspire me? A photo of an overweight thirtysomething with a massive hangover, fighting Skeletor with a big sword. But I guess these things aren’t aimed at women like me.
I’m going to start circulating my own inspirational photos. They will feature me, sitting on the sofa in my pants and bra, watching QVC and attempting to eat soup with my hands.9277 Views
Jenny writes for Den of Geek and anywhere else that will listen. To date, the most Trios she has eaten in a row is 20. Her blog is the place to be if you like Bungle and expired food. worldofcrap.co.uk