When Twitter maven Amanda Wilkie (@pandamoanimum) asked for suggestions for the year’s best tweets by women tweeters, even she was dazzled by the ensuing torrent of wit and waggery…
The Twitter bird. As approved by the birds* (*women) of Twitter.
When I suggested doing a round-up of the best tweets of 2014 as a feature for Standard Issue Magazine, I thought it would be a fun little piece to knock up. I already had a few tweets that had stuck in my mind as they’d tickled my funny bone over the year. However, I wanted it to be something created from the hive mind of Twitter, so I put out an invitational tweet asking for suggestions as to who should be featured. That’s when this task suddenly became a lot more daunting – and exciting. Suggestions for female tweeters and their tweets poured into my mentions column. While I’m well aware just how many funny and clever ladies there are on Twitter, it was a delight to see so many new (to me) names and tweets being suggested by both women and men. That this was a compilation of tweets solely by females didn’t seem to matter. Perhaps surprisingly, it was received incredibly positively.
The initial plan was to pull together 25 tweets. I managed to narrow it down to, erm, 75 (sorry Ed). The ensuing deluge of observations, puns, comical pictures and cleverness was as vast as it was brilliant. But as two of my plants died and my cat left home while I was working on the list, I needed to reach my final decisions at some point before the next millennium.
A big thank you to all who contributed. Thanks for the laughs, and the inspiration.
So, in chronological order, here are 75 of the best tweets by women in 2014.
*collapses into a vat of wine*
Liar
Liar
Liar liar
Liar liar liar
Liar liar liar liar liar
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar
Fibbernacci
— Oonagh (@Okeating) January 10, 2014I'm pretty sure a typo like this, on the first page of your book, was just as painful in 1830 as it is now. pic.twitter.com/pXvavbekGP
— Melissa Harrison (@M_Z_Harrison) February 11, 2014Bitches ain't shit but your mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, teachers, doctors, pastors, senators, judges, therapists, journalists, astro
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) February 20, 2014BREAKING NEWS : Apple have abandoned plans to build cruise liners after their prototype "The iTanic" kept syncing whenever it docked.
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) February 26, 2014Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 8, 2014A horse walks into a bar.
A shire horse waits for his friends until he walks into a bar.
— Emma Lawrence (@Emzlina) April 8, 2014Someone sent me an email in which they opened quotation marks but never closed them, and now I haven't slept in two years.
— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) April 10, 2014Right about now, some of you are realising that you forgot to stock up on breakfast wine. Monday is going to hurt you in the face.
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) April 13, 2014Text friend.
No reply.
Text again.
No reply.
Sees friend posting on twitter.
Decapitates voodoo doll of friend.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) April 17, 2014*someone hands me a baby*
Oh... no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
— moody monday (@mdob11) April 25, 2014People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.
— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) April 26, 2014Just took the Lurpack Spreadable out the fridge incase I fancy a sandwich next week.
— SG (@sharonGOONer) April 27, 2014Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I'm seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What's she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
— Scriblit (@Scriblit) April 27, 2014Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
— Erreindeer (@ErrenMichaels) April 30, 2014Remember fish pedicures? They're all down the sewers now, growing and mutating, with a taste for human flesh.
— Stephanie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (@stephjl) May 3, 2014"If you can't handle me when I'm shitting off a motorway bridge, you don't deserve me when I'm nailing my tits to a shed."
~ Marylin Monroe
— Lisa (@biscuitahoy) May 10, 2014-Soon as we get to Tescos I'm calling you Niall.
-Why Niall?
-Good idea. You grab a trolley and I'll meet you there.
— MmmmDowling (@MarionDowling) May 13, 2014Really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying "I can't go on. I hate my life." My roommate is too selfish to notice. Always busy crying.
— Ruthe Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) May 15, 2014Nobody ever asks 'how's Wally?'
— vivienne clore (@Vivienneclore) May 18, 2014my cat is playing with her tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) May 18, 2014Sign in Doctor's surgery said, "Cancer Doesn't Discriminate." I thought, 'blimey, even cancer is trying to distance itself from Ukip.'
— Catherine Wilkins (@Catiewilkins) May 20, 2014Everyone: I guess we'll never know why he did it.
Shooter: I did it because I hate women.
Everyone: I guess we'll never know why he did it.
— Emma M. (@MaryTylerMog) May 24, 2014I'm unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) May 25, 2014Me: Have some money, sir. Spend them on something nice to wear.
Man: I'm not homeless. I'm hipster.
Me: I know. *whispers* I know.
— Sofie Hagen (@SofieHagen) May 28, 2014Was crying in the bathroom & a girl said HE AIN'T WORTH IT I was like I'm not crying over a boy I'm constipated she said OH GIRL U CRY THEN
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) June 1, 2014My new favourite word is 'namaste' which is Indian for 'the yoga is finished now'.
— Sara Pascoe (@sarapascoe) June 5, 2014technically you're not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i'll get some water
— bread (@zoebread) June 9, 2014Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 10, 2014Interview: "What is it like being a female comedian?"
Me: "A lot like being a male comedian, but you get asked that question a lot more."
— Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) June 18, 2014Welcome to anxiety club. Come on in whoa, please don't touch that WOW this is a lot of people. Shit, I'm totally sweating.
— Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) July 4, 2014My life is made up of days when I take the wet onions out of the kitchen sink & days when I force them down the plug hole with a knife.
— Christmas Carol (@CarolGertrude) July 10, 2014Having kids hasn't stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it's just ruined.
— Easily Tempted (@EasilyTempted) July 10, 2014A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
— Lydia Botters (@MrLloydSpandex) July 11, 2014I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
— Lady (@ladybroseph) July 20, 2014Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain may have been great musicians, but could they do this?
*Picks up guitar*
*Lives past 27*
— Noël Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) July 31, 20148yo: How long can we stay at the park?
Me: *checks phone* Er, 3%
8yo: Eh
Me: We need to leave
8yo: But we just got…
Me: WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW
— DG (@Donna_Gallers) August 5, 2014Thanks Miley pic.twitter.com/B5IDiuwX6H
— Shy Rachel (@Bethelofa) August 8, 2014Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
— ess bee fritz (@RandomAntics) August 10, 2014Tian Tian *could* be pregnant? Surely there's no grey area with pandas.
— Chutters (@chutneybuttons) August 12, 2014So hang on, you literally draw a Scottish flag to vote? #indyref pic.twitter.com/fM1YiuLciY
— Holly Brockwell (@hollybrocks) September 18, 2014Apparently my daughter “never agreed” to doing the ice bucket challenge today, and it’s ruined her pillow. Anyway, she’s awake now.
— The Bath Bird (@TheBathBird) August 29, 2014I've been invited to a school reunion. If their profile photos are to be believed, all my old schoolmates are now 5-year-old children.
— Happy new G'ma! (@Mullies) September 1, 2014Spiderman
Spiderman
Does whatever a Spiderwoman can
But takes twice as long, because he refuses to read the instruction manual first.
— Lemonsleighbells (@___alison) September 13, 2014Drunk man in Hoxton: The thing about women is, they misunderstand shoes. Coz shoes aren't meant to hurt you at all, not even the first time.
— Miranda Keeling (@MirandaKeeling) December 29, 2014Emus are very self conscious about their weight. I've invited them to my party as I don't want them to feel ostrich-sized #1Pun
— Mrs Sarah Nic (@sp1305) September 15, 2014How to fall downstairs:
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8,9,10,11.
— Kat (@katia75014) September 14, 2014Are you a dog? Want to know who's good boy? Try this quiz!
1: Who's a good boy?
2: Who is it?
3: WHO'S A GOOD BOY?
4: Is it you?
5: Is it?
— TittyBiscuits. (@dawneywawney) August 31, 2014...... & the Heartbreakers. 😀 pic.twitter.com/oKuwwzy0Lu
— June W (@rejunevated) September 7, 2014I am now in a cafe. Fate brought me here. Well, actually a bus did, but fate sounds better.
— Leesa Wallace (@Leesa_wallace) September 18, 2014Hot singles in your area are DANGEROUS. Never put hot cheese on or around your area.
— Sarah Ingram (@Sarah1ngram) September 19, 2014The Scottish independence result is like when you're too scared to leave your boyfriend but when you stay, he makes you help him bomb Iraq.
— Alice White (@alicewhitey) September 27, 2014Sharif don't like it pic.twitter.com/nkmDFSm6aN
— V (@vic_person) October 3, 2014My 5 year old nephew trying to dry his hands. 😐 pic.twitter.com/D76Ijf1nHW
— 4 (@4eyes_) October 7, 2014Bumped into Professor Brian Cox looking a bit down.
I asked him "What's the matter?"
Longest. Reply. Ever.
— Missy Christmassy (@LilyThePurr) October 7, 2014My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) October 9, 201412yr old daughter... What's UKIP?
15yr old Son... BNP but with brogues instead of skinheads.
— Twinks (@tinytwink) October 10, 2014Why doesn't anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we're such cool people out with whom to hang?
— Lauren O'Neal (@laureneoneal) October 16, 2014Years as an actress: 8.
Innuendo-laden conversations with bishops: 0.
Disappointing.
— Miss L (@ProResting) October 16, 2014If my name were Chip I'd open a chip shop called Chip's, and when apostrophe pedants came in teach them a valuable lesson about assumptions.
— Red Rose Reindeer (@rosebiggin) October 16, 2014Reese Witherspoon is my favourite actress that sounds like the answer to a Cluedo game.
— Andrea Mann (@AndreaMann) October 17, 2014You say 'potato'
I say 'what?'
You say 'potato'
I say 'what's with all the potatoes?'
You say 'potato'
I say 'stop saying potato'
— Zombie Scrooge (@BendyBacon) October 22, 2014Bob the Builder, and the same terrifying Escher dreams, night after night.
He just....can't.
— stripyalleycat (@loli_sux) October 25, 2014No one ever asks what the Mona Lisa was looking at to make her smile that way ... probably a super, super tiny dick
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) October 25, 2014u will never convince me benedict cumberbatch isn't the bloated, grey complexioned corpse of an 18th century stately home owner who drowned
— robyn (@ucrazyutaraptor) October 27, 2014"oh christ sarah he's going to read poetry at us"
"what do we do"
"play dead?"
"no that's bears" pic.twitter.com/5wKCVX05q5
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 28, 2014"Computer; page Commander Data"
"Did you say: Amanda Raynor?"
"No... No, Commander Data..."
"Did you say: Odeon, Wrexham?"
— eL (@MilkMilk7up) October 31, 2014Sending a sext by telegram would come off as pretty mixed signals. I WANT YOU STOP I LIKE THAT STOP SQUEEZE MY BUM STOP
— Nadia Kamil (@NadiaKamil) November 1, 2014Meat may be murder, but if you kill a vegetarian, it's hummus-cide.
— Megan Robinson (@threadnz) November 2, 2014Hey, boy. Are you a liquid eyeliner pen because I'm pretty sure I'm going to fuck this up.
— Rachael (@RachaelvsWorld) November 10, 2014The first rule of Norman Collier club is ou alk ut orm er club.
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) November 14, 2014'I'm afraid the only kids' cough medicine we have is a drowsy one'
*kisses chemist. Hands him £50 note. Tells him to keep the change*
— Upyoursginaford (@upyoursginaford) November 29, 2014Boss: Can I get your personal email address to send you an evite?
Me:
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: [email protected]
All lower case
— L O R I (@LoriLuvsShoes) November 3, 2014The inventor of yodelling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too.
— Kooch (@Koochykooh) November 3, 2014When I have kids, I'll name one Christmas and the other one Life. Then I'll buy them a dog and get a kick watching them fight over it
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) December 1, 2014Guide to hands:
1 Thumb
2 Finger
3 Finger
4 Finger
5 Phone Shelf
— Cheish (@TheCheish) December 9, 2014
