Written by Hayley Ellis


Beast of the week

There’s nothing Hayley Ellis likes more than when a captivating video of animals going about their daily doings drops onto her timeline. She’s going to be sharing the best of them at Standard Issue for our unadulterated pleasure.

Hello again. If this is your first visit, my name is Hayley Ellis, comedian in the North West, servant to my loyal dog Kevin. Mother to a passed away hamster.

I’m back again to share what animal clips have amused me this week.

But, in what will be a recurring theme, I’ll begin with a few lesser known animal facts, which I’m betting you’ve never heard.

• There are over one million bees in the world. I know. That’s shitloads.

• Horses don’t like it when you talk about them behind their backs, which is why they run when you sit on them.

• Giraffes don’t actually have long necks, we are just very judgmental people.

I’m confident these are facts you have not heard before – mostly because they were a little bit made up, by me – apart from the bees one. That is most definitely, totally true.

OK, so here are some weird but genuine facts. Promise. My best friend Goggle told me they are true.

A newborn panda weighs as much as cup of tea.
This is amazing news it means I could hold a baby panda in one hand and a biscuit in the other.

Turtles can breathe through their bum!
Unlike most humans who speak through theirs.

And finally…

Ants bow to say hello to each other.
This is a lovely fact to be sure, but what if one ant has a hunchback? Do other ants just think he’s being constantly polite?

Something to think about.

Now for the animal clips which have been keeping me amused this week. I’ve ruminated, congitated* and… ripped off lines from old Masterchef to pick this week clips.

* copyright Loyd Grossman

So sit back, relax and get ready to have a chuckle at our furry friends.

1) Thank you to @severedelays for recommending this amazing video of a man gobbling to turkeys that gobble back. What a load of gobbledygook.

2) Dexter the rat hates broccoli, in fact he treats it like any normal human would – with repulsion.

3) And finally I’m not the only bird who has a filthy mouth.

So that’s all for this week folks. And remember, if you find a video you think I’d like, feel more than free to put your words on the tweet to me @hayles_ellis

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Written by Hayley Ellis

Hayley Ellis is a full time woman and part time lover. She has been performing as a stand up comedian since 2009 @Hayles_Ellis