Written by Hayley Ellis


Beast of the week: prepare for hide and seek with spiders and cubes of wombat poo

There’s nothing Hayley Ellis likes more than captivating videos of animals going about their daily doings. She shares the best of them at Standard Issue for our unadulterated pleasure.

Photograph by David Shankbone

Hello again. My name is still Hayley and I remain a little bit obsessed with animals. I’m one of those people that even if a dog has a face like the above, I’m still like: “Aww look at his little cute face, come here give me a cuddle…don’t worry, I know he’s biting chunks out of my face, but he’s just playing.”

The only animal I don’t really coo over is spiders. Eight eyes and eight legs, come on: that’s just a selfish amount of body parts. No-one needs that many eyes, especially when all you end up seeing is the inside of a cup with a piece of paper underneath.

I’ll be honest, prescription glasses are expensive for me and I only have two eyes. A spider would go through 2,920 contact lenses a year. But we all knew that, right?

Here are some lesser known animal facts:

1. A group of flamingos is called a flamboyance.  You may not know that a ‘flamboyance’ is also the same term for a group of Elton Johns.

2. Gentoo penguins propose to their other half with a pebble. This fact is both cute and appalling at the same time. If my boyfriend proposed with a pebble, the pebble would end up in his head. I mean, it doesn’t bode well for the wedding:

“Do you have the rings, Mr Penguin?” “Erm, nope but I have this twig?”

3. Wombat poo is cube-shaped to stop it from rolling away from the spot they’d decided on, territory-marking-wise. Yep, there’s nothing more humiliating when you’re out in the wild than having a poo and then having to chase it as it rolls down a hill. Wombats don’t know how easy they have it.

A spider would go through 2,920 contact lenses a year. But we all knew that, right?

Now it’s time for this week’s animal clips. I have scoured high and low (i.e. spent an hour on YouTube) to find you this week’s furry funnies.

First up, dogs that are scared of cats. This reminds me of how I tried to creep past my sister whenever she was in a room: quickly and with great fear of being battered.

OK, so I dislike spiders but I would love to challenge one to a game of hide and seek if this clip is anything to go by. They are rubbish.

And lastly, I can’t stop watching this tug of war between a tortoise and a beansprout.

So that’s all for this week. Don’t forget to send me your favourite animal clips at @hayles_ellis

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Written by Hayley Ellis

Hayley Ellis is a full time woman and part time lover. She has been performing as a stand up comedian since 2009 @Hayles_Ellis