Written by Hayley Ellis


Beast of the Week: Travelling koalas, competitive guinea pigs and a cat who couldn’t give a monkey’s are all front and centre

There’s nothing Hayley Ellis likes more than captivating videos of animals going about their daily doings. She shares the best of them at Standard Issue for our unadulterated pleasure.

koala in a tree

Koala, Kangaroo Island. Photo by Cody Pope.

Hello and welcome to another Beast of the Week round up. If you’re like me and struggle to get through a working week without a dose of animal daftness, then you’ve come to the right place.

Well technically it’s not a place. More a page. So this is the plage for you. Welcome.

This week I’ve been thinking about which animals would be my perfect travel companions. Mainly because no one likes to travel alone and also because I have far too much time on my hands.

First of all, I thought about travelling with a flamingo. Who wouldn’t love to travel with a flamingo? Dead good at balancing and always flamboyant. Did you know that the flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down? Which would be really handy if we travelled to Australia.

I definitely would not like to travel with a King Cobra. Did you know King Cobras are so deadly that a gram of their poison would be enough to kill a person 150 times over?

Granted that is a pretty useless superpower. Once a person is dead they don’t really need killing another 149 times. A cat would need like another eight doses, but this is all dancing around the real reason I would never travel with a King Cobra. They are really bad drunks. Always kicking off once they’ve had a couple.

They are terrible flatmates as well. Who uses six toilet rolls in a week? Bloody King Cobras, that’s who. Ah, the perils of finding flatmates on Gumtree.

“King Cobras are so deadly that a gram of its poison would be enough to kill a person 150 times over. Granted that is a pretty useless superpower.”

After much research I have finally decided the animal I would most like to travel with is a koala. Great for spooning as they are warm-blooded; there’ll be no need for an electric blanket. They can also sleep for up to 19 hours, which is perfect for me. Anything less than 18 hours and I am a real grump.

Plus, they speak 17 different languages and are great at organising a real decent exchange rate for your money. Bonus.

Now we’ve got that sorted, let’s get on with this week’s animal clips, shall we?

First up, if you’re a regular to this column you will know I like a clip of animals eating. So what’s not to love about two guinea pigs embroiled in an eating race. I hope they had a bottle of Gaviscon at the ready.

I understand this dog’s pain; I wouldn’t want to be showered with a loud American either.

And finally, cats get a bad rep for being unkind, but this cat does it with swag.

Please keep tweeting me your favourite animal clips to @hayles_ellis and I’ll see you all soon. Just off to buy more toilet paper because the King Cobra’s not going get off his arse/tummy/back end quarters to do it, is he?

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Written by Hayley Ellis

Hayley Ellis is a full time woman and part time lover. She has been performing as a stand up comedian since 2009 @Hayles_Ellis