Written by Hayley Ellis


Beast of the week: Prepare for off-the-scale cuteness and a dog with the horn

There’s nothing Hayley Ellis likes more than captivating videos of animals going about their daily doings. She shares the best of them at Standard Issue for our unadulterated pleasure.

Photo by Yathin S. Krishnappa.

“Could you just watch the kids for a sec while I… er… go and buy some more nuts? I’m sure they won’t be any trouble.” Photo by Yathin S Krishnappa.

Hello. ‘Tis I, Hayley Ellis, a woman who was once more entertained by watching a rat eat a Haribo on a London tube line than when I watched an entire episode of Britain’s Got Talent.

I’m not necessarily dismissing Britain’s Got Talent there, it’s just that I’m a little bit obsessed with animals.

Here are some examples of when my fascination with the animal kingdom has caused problems.

I once had a massive row with a boyfriend over the fact he never got me a Mother’s Day card from the dog. Let me be clear, my dog was at the age where he couldn’t have bought me one himself. (If he could have done, it would have definitely said ‘I WOOF YOU’ on it.)

I once stopped on a dual carriageway to try and get a rabbit off the road. Have you ever tried to lure a rabbit off a busy A-road using a packet of Quavers? I looked like a deranged Thelmer Fudd.

I have also eaten a dog biscuit to encourage my dog to eat his food. After eating it I understood why he wasn’t eating his food.

As regular readers will know, I like to start Beast of the Week by:

a) worrying people about my mental state for eating dog food (or something in a similar arena); and
b) sharing a few lesser known animal facts.

I’m a creature of habit to be sure, so here’s the facts bit.

Squirrels will adopt an abandoned baby (squirrel) if its parents are AWOL. I’m not sure if that’s classed as thoughtful or theft. Maybe each case should be viewed on its own merits.

Did you also know squirrels can’t burp or vomit? This is great news for the newly adoptive parents as they don’t have to burp the baby they have just rescued/stolen. In addition, absent-mindedly leaving the house with baby sick dripping down their back is not a worry for them. (They also sound like excellent dinner guests.)

Barn owls are normally monogamous, but about 25 percent of mated pairs ‘divorce’. I would love to see an owl’s divorce papers. “Grounds for divorce based on unreasonable behaviour: she may have been a twit (or a twoo), but his head was constantly – and completely – turned by other women…”

And finally… a sea lion is the first non-human mammal with a proven ability to keep a beat. I live in hope of a Snoop Lion (FKA Dogg)/Sea Lion collaboration.

Now we’re all that little bit more clued up, let’s get on to my current favourite animal clips. I have searched high and low (used YouTube while “working”) to find this week’s selection.

First up, this rates off the scale when it comes to cuteness, so if you have an aversion to adorability, then look away while everyone else melts at this monkey stroking puppies. This is not a euphemism.

Ever fallen out with your dog when he steals your food? (Kind of the opposite to me and my dog, apart from he didn’t give a toss about his crappy biscuits.) This man has a full on argument with his husky for doing just that. The husky totally wins.

Last one for this week, and a top tip for those occasions when your friend says they’re just nipping to the shops and leaves you in the car with no way of escape until they come back.

Please continue to tweet me your favourite animal clips @hayles_ellis

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Written by Hayley Ellis

Hayley Ellis is a full time woman and part time lover. She has been performing as a stand up comedian since 2009 @Hayles_Ellis