Written by Various Artists

Lifestyle

You know it’s hot when…

Our writers are suffering the not-so-quiet indignities that come with a heatwave. But how do you know it’s too hot?

hand holding ice cream cone
1. When you consider going to see a film you have no interest in with the hope the cinema has air conditioning.

cinema

 

2. When drinking cold tea and coffee is a thing, not just the inevitable consequence of a chaotic day.

teapot-1138913_1920

 

3. When applying sun cream is more of a basting process.

suncream

 

4. When you see a queue and join it because someone might be selling cold drinks at the other end.

coke

 

5. When your tit sweat starts to drop on your feet.

sweaty woman

 

6. When you spray deodorant on six parts of your body instead of the usual two.

deodorant

 

7. When five a day means ice creams.

melting ice-cream

 

8. When you were going to set fire to your ex’s stuff and find it’s already aflame.

friends

 

9. When the phrase, ‘Let’s get you out of those wet clothes’ isn’t said with any sort of smile.

airplane

 

10. When you look in a mirror and see this.

raiders

 

11. When you wonder, ‘what the fuck is that smell?’ and realise it is you.

smell

 

12. When you get home and strip all your clothes off before the front door has fully shut behind you.

rocky horror

 

13. When you queue for 45 minutes at a festival for a go in a shower that is too small, claggy and freezing cold and it’s still the best three minutes of your life.

cat in shower

 

14. When the pool or paddling pool is all about you.

dog pool

 

15. When your legs are so stuck together you feel like a mermaid.

mermaid

 

16. When you have to put on oven gloves to get in the car.

oven gloves

 

17. When you see the cat doing this and you seriously consider doing the same.

cat hot

 

18. Or the cat tries to sit on you and you tell it to fuck off.

sad cat

 

19. Or your partner tries to touch you.

face slap

 

20. When EVERYONE in your house ate breakfast at the table bare chested.

not-found

 

21. When you just made cheese on toast without using the grill.

cheese on toast

 

22. When you’re doing so little work that you kinda accept the gender pay gap as being totally appropriate.

asleep at work

 

23. When ancient pavement gum has ‘reactivated’.

road-203559_1280

 

24. When you have no ice lollies stocked and start eyeing up the fish fingers.

fish fingers

 

25. When the Plasticine dinosaur you had made for Edinburgh commits suicide. (OK, that one might not be universal…)

dino dead

By Kate McCabe, Hannah Dunleavy, Mickey Noonan, Jane Bostock, Sarah Millican, Claire Goodwin, Dotty Winters, Daisy Leverington, Sian Harries, Vicky Warburton, Sooz Kempner, Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Laura Lexx.

Enjoyed this? Help Standard Issue keep going by joining our gang. Click here to find out how.

9149 Views
Share:
  • googleplus
  • linkedin
  • rss
  • pinterest

Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.