Written by Various Artists


You know it’s hot when…

Our writers are suffering the not-so-quiet indignities that come with a heatwave. But how do you know it’s too hot?

hand holding ice cream cone
1. When you consider going to see a film you have no interest in with the hope the cinema has air conditioning.



2. When drinking cold tea and coffee is a thing, not just the inevitable consequence of a chaotic day.



3. When applying sun cream is more of a basting process.



4. When you see a queue and join it because someone might be selling cold drinks at the other end.



5. When your tit sweat starts to drop on your feet.

sweaty woman


6. When you spray deodorant on six parts of your body instead of the usual two.



7. When five a day means ice creams.

melting ice-cream


8. When you were going to set fire to your ex’s stuff and find it’s already aflame.



9. When the phrase, ‘Let’s get you out of those wet clothes’ isn’t said with any sort of smile.



10. When you look in a mirror and see this.



11. When you wonder, ‘what the fuck is that smell?’ and realise it is you.



12. When you get home and strip all your clothes off before the front door has fully shut behind you.

rocky horror


13. When you queue for 45 minutes at a festival for a go in a shower that is too small, claggy and freezing cold and it’s still the best three minutes of your life.

cat in shower


14. When the pool or paddling pool is all about you.

dog pool


15. When your legs are so stuck together you feel like a mermaid.



16. When you have to put on oven gloves to get in the car.

oven gloves


17. When you see the cat doing this and you seriously consider doing the same.

cat hot


18. Or the cat tries to sit on you and you tell it to fuck off.

sad cat


19. Or your partner tries to touch you.

face slap


20. When EVERYONE in your house ate breakfast at the table bare chested.



21. When you just made cheese on toast without using the grill.

cheese on toast


22. When you’re doing so little work that you kinda accept the gender pay gap as being totally appropriate.

asleep at work


23. When ancient pavement gum has ‘reactivated’.



24. When you have no ice lollies stocked and start eyeing up the fish fingers.

fish fingers


25. When the Plasticine dinosaur you had made for Edinburgh commits suicide. (OK, that one might not be universal…)

dino dead

By Kate McCabe, Hannah Dunleavy, Mickey Noonan, Jane Bostock, Sarah Millican, Claire Goodwin, Dotty Winters, Daisy Leverington, Sian Harries, Vicky Warburton, Sooz Kempner, Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Laura Lexx.

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.