Written by Ashley Davies

Lifestyle

Things you learn when you’re moving house

Changing address is apparently more stressful than getting a divorce. It’s also a learning experience, as Ashley Davies discovered.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

1. Many of your belongings are inexplicably grimy.

2. There will be at least four boxes of stuff you don’t know what to do with. They will accompany you for the rest of your life.

3. You might find a card from an ex that makes you feel a tiny bit nostalgic. You might sneak off to Google them.

4. You might find a card from an ex that makes you shudder and dry boak at your horrendous judgement. You might sneak off to Google them.

5. You will find a school report that triggers feelings of inadequacy.

6. You will find a school report that makes you excessively grateful to that one teacher who wasn’t an utter toolbox.

7. You will find a photo of a childhood pet and you will try to hug that photo. It will be grimy.

8. The missing Kirby grips – all 350 of them – will make themselves known. They too will be grimy.

9. You will start throwing foreign coins in the bin.

10. You will hate yourself for having thrown foreign coins in the bin. Even the grimy ones.

11. When it comes to fucking up your best clothes, moths are more ambitious than early-80s Madonna.

12. You will rediscover those fancy kitchen gifts and solemnly vow to serve flamboyant cheese boards at those frequent dinner parties you will DEFINITELY host in your new pad.

13. You will waste time writing lists about the things you learn when you’re moving house.

@MsAshleyDavies

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Written by Ashley Davies

Ashley Davies is an Edinburgh-based writer and editor and the human behind animal satire website thelabreport.co.uk.