Written by Various Artists


Our daft dads

Ahead of Father’s Day, we asked our contributors to tell us about funny things their pops say and do.

lllustration by Louise Boulter.

lllustration by Louise Boulter.

Hazel Davis
For YEARS my dad carried round a short stick in his pocket and when there was a lull in conversation would whip it out and say: “Ah but have you got one of THESE?” I have it now in my study.

Sophie Scott
My dad used to say, when someone farted, either: “Speak up, Brown, you’re through,” or “Well, your horn seems to be working, Sir, let’s try your headlights.”

Cal Wilson
My dad has trigger words. If, in casual conversation, you say the word “mole”, he will immediately sing: “I am a mole, I am a mole, and I live in a hole.” If you mention the name Henry, he immediately says: “Henry, Henry, will you dance with me, Henry?” Most bemusingly, if he hears the name Jason, he will invariably say: “Hasten, Jason, bring a basin – too late, bring a bowl.” Conversations can get quite drawn out, and introducing people is a risk.

Camilla King
My Dad (sadly no longer on this earth) famously used to muddle his words up and mispronounce things. He was a vicar, so this could occasionally lead to maximum embarrassment when I was a teenager. For example, the time he preached a sermon which included a bit about Superman, and he referred the entire way through to ‘Louse Lane’. *cringe*

Kiri Pritchard-McLean
The first time my dad saw me do comedy he said, “I don’t find you funny but I’m sure what you’re trying to do is very clever.” He must like me now because he Googles me every night.

Claire Goodwin
My dad has a, shall we say, traditional palate. I put celeriac in the Sunday roast mash once and it has made him suspicious of my cooking since. Whenever he watches anything cookery-wise and it is something he doesn’t like (this encompasses quite a few things) or we describe a lovely meal we have had that might be deemed as modern or quirky, he always finishes off the cook’s words with: “Add some salt and pepper, pour a glass of wine… and throw it straight in the bin.” Either that, or he mutters “dirty bastards” with a withering look of disgust. It’s brilliant.

Debra-Jane Appelby
Ma ’n’ Pa have just come back from a cruise. Dad spent the whole thing pestering the CAPTAIN about how his engines were off and the propellers of his multi-million pound floating hotel complex were the wrong size. His qualifications? He reads a lot of navy books and once volunteered for the sea cadets.

Kirsten O’Brien
My dad once left me a note when he was staying with me in London saying: “Dear Kirsten, is that bread in your fridge real or a stage prop? Either way I’ve eaten it, love Dad.” It was rye bread and he’d never seen anything like it before.

Laura Lexx
My dad told me that if I really wanted to succeed in comedy, I needed to find out if I had anything unique about me that people might like. He has just sold our family home to buy a yacht to go and live on and I think my self-esteem might be higher when he’s in the Mediterranean.

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.