Written by Various Artists


On the one hand…

It’s Left Handers Day tomorrow. And, as many of our contributors can testify, it can really suck being a southpaw. On the other hand…

Ned Flanders outside the Leftorium
The bad stuff

• Using scissors hurts
• It takes you 20 minutes to open a can with a right-handed opener and creates an incredibly sharp top when you’re done
• You’re taught to do certain tasks right-handed which means you are forever a bit shit at them
• Whenever you write anything with a felt pen, more will be on your hand than on the paper
• Even when you do things with your right hand you do it backwards
• Pens at banks attached by the metal string are of no use
• Rulers are really difficult
• When desks have that curved bit, it’s always on the right. And if there is one that goes the other way, all the lefties have to fight for it
• You wonder whether anyone you meet from a part of the world with a strong left-hand taboo secretly thinks you’re disgusting. Yes, I did wash my hands…
• Your Nana says it’s too complicated to teach you to knit ‘your way’
• You ruin every greetings card you ever write
• You hate spiral notebooks
• You have to teach yourself to eat like a squirrel so you don’t do the awkward elbow clanking if there’s a right hander on your left
• That right hander sometimes mistakes it for flirting
• Pens slowly unscrew as you write
• You bang your hands on every cupboard, microwave… anything with a bloody door on it!

The good stuff

• You can fool people at rounders by swapping hands last minute
• Sometimes you’re the only person who can use the screwdriver in those awkward DIY corners
• You feel better shaking hands with people knowing you could still slay them with a surprise sword attack
• It’s a lot of fun to switch the buttons over on your desktop mouse then watch your colleagues helplessly jabbing at the ‘broken’ mouse for minutes at a time
• You’re secretly smug when you read reports that left handers are well clever
• You got to use the ‘special’ hockey stick from the PE cupboard. Even if it meant you were still shit
• You can weep with joy when you enter the left-handed shop in San Francisco.

Rebecca Humphries, Abi Bliss, Karen Campbell, Ruth Bratt, Hannah Dolan, Kirsten O’Brien and Lucy Reynolds

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.