Lifestyle

No sleep ’til plugs in

It’s National Stop Snoring Week, so everyone should be getting uninterrupted sleep in five, four… Vicky Warburton reports from the spare bedroom.

Oh, love of my life… Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

People who snore should be issued with a badge in their teens which reads “Don’t fucking bother trying to lay me, it will go nowhere.” Such a badge would be invisible to all who will develop the nasal machine gun gene and only be seen by non-snorers who WILL back away. It will save future marriages/lives/possibly the world.

Here’s my story. King Snore married an angel of the North. They had two boys, Grunt and Gruntier. Reader, I married Gruntier. I have survived years of on and off snoring. “How?” I hear you whisper, through clenched teeth.

Our teens and 20s swept by in a torrent of booze enabling me to sleep through anything. Praise the lord, as we have aged, and fermented inside, the booze has made way for herbal teas, healthier diets and guess what? The animal noises have diminished to, at times, NO SNORING at all.  

Oh, it returns though. Especially after a session on the craft ales. The spare room is a night shuffler’s god send. In our house, too much booze and the wrong foods equal an all night snoreathon. Pass the shot of Gaviscon with a line of Lansoprazole. Settle that gut, love.

“Eh?” I hear you mumble as you squint with bleary eyes. What about camping? Festivals? How? Well, my liege, of course I have an ace card. Prepare your ear for this nugget. Sit down now.  

Muffles wax earplugs, Boots own. They work. Pre- snore session warm and mould in sweaty palm, simply stuff right in, up through to the brain. Et voila. Silence. Corpseville. I have slept through many a child waking in the night but, bless my man, he always wakes. So there’s a plus point! Beware though, only wear once (think ear infection). When a craft booze session appears so does my warmed muff… my wax friends.

The alternative gadgetry out there to stop these sleep assassins is impressive. There are full head straps to fix the jaw shut (although, we would definitely row about who needs this the most), mouth guards, noise detection bleepers, magnetic nose clips, herbal gubbins you rub on your nipples to induce silent inhaling pipes. You can even hire people to visit the household. (Do they sleep in the bed with you?)

I’m sticking with the wax plugs, but would love to know if any of these work.  

Admittedly, it has helped that I can fall asleep AT ANY POINT during the day. On the settee with TV noise and junior play, bolt upright in the car and… Hang on, maybe I have narcolepsy? Is that why the snoring has not been an issue? Maybe the invisible badge of snoring shame should attract only people with narcolepsy. There you go.  Job done, world issue solved.

Failing all this bullshit a shot gun fixed between the shoulder blades will bring respite. Long live the spare room or settee. Good luck out there, people next to THEM. We know you love your snorer, but only before midnight.

@gingerwarby

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Written by Vicky Lindsay Warburton

Vicky is reintegrating back into society as her children are now in school. She teaches mindfulness to teenagers, wears trainers and paddles through the nonsense of life.