Written by Sooz Kempner


Like a sex machine

According to recent research, a quarter of young people would happily date a robot. To give them a hand, Sooz Kempner’s compiled a list. Course she has.

Kryten: check out those cheekbones. Photo: BBC.

Kryten: check out those cheekbones. Photo: BBC.

A quarter of young people would happily date a robot.

I saw this headline recently and did the Home Alone face. Could it be true? Would a quarter of youngsters date a robot and be happy about it?

I decided not to waste any time reading the article accompanying the headline because I have a lot on and have gone straight to writing the think-piece.

Would I date a robot? Would I be happy about it? Am I young? I decided that the answers to all these questions were a firm yes and here, for your delectation, is my countdown of the top 10 eligible ‘bots.

10. Bicentennial Man (Bicentennial Man)

Played by Robin Williams, this 200-year-old man started out as a humble robot! Dating him as a robot not your bag? Don’t worry because the miracle of science can turn him into a man! He’ll cook stuff for you, he’ll look after your kids, he’ll tell jokes, he’ll act way, way too surprised and delighted when he does his first blow-off as a human.

To be honest having sex with Bicentennial Man would be quite creepy but he always seems to be in a good mood and at least you wouldn’t bang your shins on his metal body once he was made human.

9. Kryten (Red Dwarf)

I like a guy with good bone structure and cheekbones don’t come more chiselled than faithful Kryten’s. He would also do lots of housework because he lives to serve like all husbands should. Haha I just spun the patriarchy on its head.

8. Gigolo Joe (AI: Artificial Intelligence)

A sexy Jude Law prostitute robot! You could Pretty Woman him in reverse. Pick him up on a street corner and pay him to have sex with you until he gets Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with you. It’s the perfect romantic tale. You could even present him with some cufflinks and then close the box on his fingers for a funny joke.

7. BB-8 (The Force Awakens)

I don’t really know if BB-8 is a boy or a girl because I haven’t bothered to watch The Force Awakens: A Star War but I do like all the memes it has featured in and think it would make a handsome spouse/talking point. When I see BB-8 I like the idea of kicking it and hearing it blip angrily. You can’t lock me up for this because robots are not people.

6. Bruce (Jaws)

This might shock you but the shark in Jaws wasn’t played by a real shark. I know, I was as surprised as you are right now. It was played a robot shark called Bruce. The robot was kind of shit and kept breaking, apparently (this is all 1970s gossip but it’s probably true), but I still think Bruce would be a cool husband. I’m a sucker for a bad boy, what can I say?

With Max, you'd never be short of exciting date locations. Photo: Disney.

With Max, you’d never be short of exciting date locations. Photo: Disney.

5. Max (Flight of the Navigator)

A wisecracking 80s spaceship? Er, sign me up! *Wedding March plays*

4. Der Maschinenmensch (Metropolis)

My bread’s not buttered that side but the original movie robot is such an icon I would be proud to be seen on her arm. Her rock-hard abs would certainly inspire me to go to the gym more often/at all.

3. Bishop (Aliens)

Bishop is nifty with a knife and even when he’s been torn in half he’ll save your life. A real human man couldn’t boast either of those things apart from maybe the knife thing if he’s trained in knife stuff. Who would you rather date? Bishop in Aliens or Ash in Alien? Haha, what a silly question; nobody wants to date Ash, he’s a nutter!

2. T1000 (Terminator 2)

Sure, he’s a little low on laughs and he’s a bit of a homicidal maniac but his air of mystery is very attractive and he’s always willing to change. Get it? He can change into different things using early-90s CGI. Some of this article is just some jokes.

Microsoft's Clippy1. Microsoft Office Assistant

OK… so…. the Microsoft Office Assistant isn’t strictly a robot, he’s an animated paperclip, but to me he is a soulmate.

“Looks like you’re writing a letter!” Thanks for noticing, Office Assistant… you’re so attentive. “Need any help?” No, that’s OK, Office Assistant, I know how to write a letter. “Want to add a clip art to your letter?” GODDAMNIT, OFFICE ASSISTANT, LEAVE ME IN FUCKING PEACE! And he will. He will leave you in peace. Because robots have to do what you say.

I’m so alone.


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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.