Written by Hayley Ellis


A feast of funny beasts

There’s nothing Hayley Ellis likes more than when a captivating video of animals going about their daily doings drops onto her timeline. She’s going to be sharing the best of them at Standard Issue for our unadulterated pleasure.

Hello. My name is Hayley and I’m a little bit obsessed with animals.

You see I wasn’t allowed pets when I was growing up, as my sister was allergic – to me being happy.
I love animals but not in a Channel 5 documentary way, more in a ‘awwww look at this baby elephant, it’s far cuter than those pictures my old work mate keeps putting on Facebook of her bloody baby’ way.

Let’s dive straight in with some facts about animals you may not know.

* Houseflies have a life span of just 14 days. Which made me wonder whether flies have a bucket list, and if so, what would be on it?

1. Before I pass I must fly into at least one person’s mouth and escape but make them feel like I am still in their mouth.
2. Before the grim reaper finally cuts me off, I must fly into someone’s car while they are driving and refuse to find a way out for the duration of their journey, despite all windows and sunroof being open as wide as my heart is when it comes to dog shit.

* Elephants can smell water up to three miles away. (That said, you may be more impressed to learn that my uncle – who does not have a trunk – can detect the scent of home brew from a similar distance.)

* Oysters can change gender depending on which is best for mating. Not so different then from most other species when it hits 10 to two in the morning and they still haven’t pulled.

As well as offering a smattering of animal facts to enrich your trivia back catalogue, this new regular column at Standard Issue will also include my nominations for ‘Beasts of the Week’ – loosely translated as my favourites of the animal clips I’ve recently found on the internet.

I also found out that oysters can change gender depending on which is best for mating? Not so different then from most other species when it hits 10 to two in the morning and they still haven’t pulled.

So prepare to require a new pair of pants when a cat gets his head stuck in a jam jar while his owner, who is clearly more concerned about ‘going viral’ than freeing their beloved pet from pain and humiliation, just keeps on rolling.

To kick things off though, I thought an old classic was in order.

I know it’s rude to watch people eating, but there’s something heart-achingly lovely about this beautiful Slow Loris eat a little rice ball. *sniggers at the word ‘ball’*
Maybe it’s because I’m a touch hungover and feeling emotional, but I could literally watch this all day. (Maybe I should look at getting a real job.)

Now how about making your ovaries explode with this little helping of a cat helping a baby to sleep?

OK, if you don’t like watching animals eat food or soothing crying infants, how about a little clip of when me and my dog Kevin went to visit a dog agility center to teach him some tricks in time for Crufts?

Right, that’s your lot for now. But have no fear, I promise to scour high and low (aka use the YouTube app on my phone) for more howl-worthy clips and try to share them here before someone else does on your Facebook newsfeed.

I will also keep you abreast *sniggers at the word ‘breast’* of the latest animal facts in my possession.

(Mind you, if you find a video you think I’d like, feel more than free to put the words on the tweet to me @hayles_ellis.)

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Written by Hayley Ellis

Hayley Ellis is a full time woman and part time lover. She has been performing as a stand up comedian since 2009 @Hayles_Ellis