Written by Sooz Kempner

Lifestyle

Brave new world

A Chinese man has married a robot. Naturally, our resident android-lover Sooz Kempner is excited by this.

cardboard robot standing above heart-shaped pattern of sweetsA computer engineer has married his robot wife”. That’s the headline for an article about a computer engineer who has married his robot wife.

Zheng Jiajia was an AI guy and he built himself a robot wife. He had a wedding to his robot wife who is called Yingying and there was a ceremony with people who went along to watch the marriage happen and it seems like nobody tried to stop it. Zheng has said it is his ultimate dream to have a robot wife. He is a lesson to us all that dreams can come true.

Unfortunately Yingying (who looks as shocked about this marriage as any of us) is immobile so Zheng has to carry her around like a fucking handbag. He has said that his plans are to give Yingying the ability to walk around and also do household chores. This is quite positive actually and shows Zheng is quite progressive, because even though his robo-partner couldn’t push the hoover around or empty the dishwasher he was still willing to marry her right up.

These are all the things I know about hot new inter…something couple, Zheng and Yingying, but it’s really captured my imagination.

Now, I already compiled a list of robots I want to date last year for Standard Issue because this is clearly something I think about a lot. So instead of another list of eligible robot bachelors, here are the top five things I want my future robot husband to have. Please note: I will definitely marry a robot.

1. A top hat

Yes, my robot husband will have a robot top hat that he will wear at all times because call me uptight, but I’m sick of society’s expectations where a woman has to look wonderful at all times whereas men don’t have to be groomed at all.

“You know what it’s like when you’re in a relationship where you’re totally sick of your partner but you don’t want to be alone? If that happens with robot-husband I should have the option to just turn him off.”

In my new inter…whatever relationship, my robot-husband will look red-carpet ready 24/7 (actors at awards ceremonies wear top hats) and I will be permanently in my grey jogging bottoms that are from Asda and which make my arse look like a combination of two giant poached eggs and a sock.

2. Hoover arm

I don’t like hoovering and frankly I only am willing to hoover when I really have to, like when my cat is sick on the carpet and I don’t notice for a day and have to sort of chip off the dry sick then hoover it up. Anyway, I didn’t even hoover it up, my mum did. That’s why my robot-husband will have a hoover for an arm.

3. A cat for his other arm

Sometimes my cats have flat-out had enough of my bullshit and they walk off. This means I can’t stroke their stupid cat bodies. To combat the loneliness and pain this induces I will make sure my robot-husband’s other arm is a cat. Try to get away now, cat! You can’t! Because you are attached to my robot-husband and he’s not fucking going anywhere. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME; I PROGRAMMED HIM THAT WAY.

4. An off switch

You know what it’s like when you’re in a relationship where you’re totally sick of your partner but you don’t want to be alone? You know the feeling, everyone! It’s called ‘a healthy relationship’. If that happens with robot-husband I should have the option to just turn him off. I won’t have to admit that I’m alone but I won’t have to put up with the pure fuckery that is what having a partner is always like. Haha, imagine.

5. Mint scent

I like the smell of mint. My robot-husband will smell of mint. Call me crazy but that’s what I want.

I bet Zheng has sex with Yingying a lot and it is always extremely romantic.

@SoozUK

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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.