Written by Alice Sanders

Lifestyle

12 apps that should exist for single women

On your tod on Valentine’s Day? Alice Sanders is and it got her thinking about some useful apps someone needs to invent sharpish (copyright Alice Sanders).

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m in my 30s and still single. Of course I don’t buy into all that stuff; it’s just for card companies and chocolate makers to make money, I barely even notice that it happens (hold me, I’m so sad).

There are plenty of hook-up apps that can be used to find a date, but here are several way more useful apps that should exist for single women everywhere.

Lunch Share

I have a vivid memory of eating the same butternut squash stew for four days in a row. Sometimes I have flashbacks to it. Sometimes you can barely look at your lunch after four days on the trot. Maybe modern life has spoiled us, but honestly, I already have to make it AND do the washing up.

Lunch Share connects you with people in the same predicament so you can share lunches and never again have to go through this humiliation. Stipulation: you do not have to eat with the other people.

There are various options, but one of them is doing a pick up and drop off in a locker in a station like a spy or a drug dealer*. I prefer the company of Margaret Atwood to Lisa in HR, sorry.
*Do not put narcotics in the lunch.

Zip Me Up

An app that helps you zip up your dress before you go out. How does it do it? I don’t know yet. But it does it.

Wedding Buddy

Is there anything sadder than witnessing two people’s declaration of their love for each other when you’re single? Yes: genocide, Trump’s America, and dropping a freshly baked cake onto the floor.

But from the ages of roughly 27 to 34, you will have to go to approximately 268 weddings, and going to them alone is depressing. I can’t watch any more videos of me dabbing my eyes like an old aunt during the speeches until guests from my table and the surrounding tables start to throw napkins at me as I break out into full blown weeping (this really happened). Part of it is the heartfelt nature of those speeches, and part of it is just my own personal misery.

“Roll your electric blanket into a cylinder in your bed. Then you need two smaller electric mini-blankets – these are the arms to the body of the bigger electric blanket.”

What’s the solution? This app matches two people who are both free to attend the other one’s wedding as their plus one. And as a male friend pointed out to me the other day, who can get through two weddings together and not fall in love?

OK, you probably can but it’s a free bar, and at the very least demand that your date wears a suit (whatever their gender) so you can put your electronic door key, cigarettes and antidepressants in their trouser pockets, as your outfit will inevitably be devoid of them.

Get Outta There

This app sets off an alarm if you try to walk into an IKEA alone. The alarm is so loud it makes your ears bleed. There is actually nothing sadder than meatballs for one.

If You Build It, They Won’t Come

If you’ve bought some furniture from IKEA (obviously with your mother or another single friend), don’t build it by yourself. I’m not saying you can’t; I’m just saying it’s much easier if there are two of you to build your Loanëli small double bed.

This app analyses your close friends and relatives’ calendars and sends them a demand to come and help you construct this piece of furniture. It looks a bit like a ransom note, but needs must. If you do it alone and it comes out on the wonk, you’ll never get laid again.

Arg-u-like

Got a lot of pent-up tension that doesn’t feel like the sexual kind? What can it be? It’s probably rage! Don’t worry; this is only a natural reaction to this terrible world that we live in! But what to do with it? You’re not in a relationship so there’s nobody you can be unremittingly awful to for no apparent reason.

Argu-u-like matches you with the nearest person who feels similar, books you a table at a crowded Pizza Express and provides you with a map to drive them round their personal bend.

Hiss at him as he slurps his soup; tell him you don’t like his mother. Reach the crescendo of your argument just at the point that the music briefly stops. Ah, this feels comfortably familiar.

This app also comes as an add-on to your satnav. The robot voice says, “Take the second right,” brief pause, “No, you know very well I meant the other second right,” etc.

“This app talks to your mother when you can’t be bothered. Record some set pieces. Now you have more time to do important things like watch and apply for First Dates.”

Mutual neck-shaving and fringe-trimming

This might need a catchier name. And OK, this should be an app for all people all of the time. Undercuts grow out really fast. Fringes get in eyes before the rest of the haircut has lost its shape. Everyone buy hairdressing scissors and an electric razor and let’s get on this.

Snugglebunny

This app simply fires out pet names at you when you really need it. It can call you Angel, or Beast, Boo Boo or Pudgy Pops. It can call you Squashy (remember the time you made all that stew?). It can call you Weepy (remember the time at that wedding). It can call you any of the names of the other seven dwarves! Whatever you want!

Snuggletime

Most of this app exists already. Download an app that controls your electric blanket from your phone. Roll your electric blanket into a cylinder in your bed. Then you need two smaller electric mini-blankets – these are the arms to the body of the bigger electric blanket.

Put your blankets on half an hour before you get home. Now you can snuggle in quite easily as the little spoon, putting one of the ‘arms’ underneath you and one of the ‘arms’ over you. Nobody wants an app that does this with a real human, that’s weird. This definitely isn’t weird! Call the blanket James and be thankful that he never gets a dead arm.

B-B-Q-to-do-an-impassioned-feminist-speech

An app that is sensitive to subtle changes in your relative’s breathing and heart rate, and is therefore able to give you a full minute’s warning before you get a patronising ‘Why are you still single?’ speech.

This is usually at a BBQ – you know this – and after at least one and a half glasses of Pinot Grigio. Tell your relative you live a rich and fulfilling life without a romantic relationship, that you would only get into a relationship if you met someone who was truly special, and that you don’t need a partner to help you put up your Loanëli small double bed.

Once they have gone, hit on the only other single person who isn’t related to you at the BBQ and ask them if they’re good with a screwdriver.

Talk2Mum

This app talks to your mother when you can’t be bothered. Record some set pieces. Now you have more time to do important things like watch and apply for First Dates.

GuardMyBag

For when you’re in the airport and you need the toilet, mostly. This app has a database of trustworthy people in the local vicinity. That way when you ask them to watch over your bag you can take a whizz in peace. While the urine flows freely and easily, laugh about the days when you had to wonder if you should’ve taken your laptop out of the bag first.

Unfortunately there is no app that can fix the problem of single supplements, the bane of the single person’s life. It would probably be cheaper to have a £20,000 wedding. You’ll recoup the money in the first five years or so.

@wernerspenguin

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Written by Alice Sanders

Alice Sanders is a freelance writer. She writes articles, audio description for the visually impaired, and fiction. She also performs with comedy improv troupe The Pioneers. @wernerspenguin